Things I learned this weekend at Frank's bachelor party

  * Living for an entire weekend on lemon cake, oreos, bacon, eggs, ribs, corn chips, salsa, and seven-layer dip may taste good at the time, but will leave one's digestive tract wondering what the hell hit it.

  * Having 3/4 of the beverages one imbibes in a weekend be beer and lemon drops: ditto.

  * Do not attempt to down an entire large-sized pixie stick at once, as it will absorb all the moisture in your mouth and then get citric acid in your sinuses.  (Note: this was not a first-hand lesson.  Thank God.)

  * In Texas Hold'em, it sometimes matters less how many chips you have than how aggressively you play with them.

• When a duck lands in the swimming pool, it portends well for the owner of the pool.

Had a blast, played lots of different games, and got some good bonding in on the subjects of weddings, mothers-in-law, whether Cris could shotgun a whole pixie stick, and other matters critical to a soon-to-be-married fellow in the 21st century.

Now I just need to apologize to my intestines for a few days, and all will be well with the world.