two relatively quiet days hanging with my dad, eating solid food and looking out the window at the snow. Typing is still all index fingers, eyes, and curse-accompanied deletions. Remembered partway through yesterday that such things as video/audio chatting exist, and have been chatting up a storm since then. (I’m “adam.e.hirsch” on Skype and “qqbazz” on iChat and just installed the a/v plugin for Google Chat; I’ll add the giant honking caveats that I am not always at my computer, don’t always have my speaking valve in, and generally don’t pick up when I’ve got guests unless I think they’re secretly bored. So I may not be ignoring you specifically if I don’t pick up.)
Hospital food so perfunctory tonight that my dad got us Italian takeout. Even my fresh palate has limits.
Video-talked with Kate tonight, since she worked today. Saw our apartment and cats for the first time since November. Wept: partly out of missing our furry miscreants, partly out of seeing the place where I last felt normal, partly because I almost certainly will never see the inside of that place again, and mostly from grieving for that lost “normal” just on the other side of the camera. I can’t tell you how much silent yelling while at Presbyterian went into simply wanting my old life back and being furious – sweaty, tooth-grinding furious – that it would be denied me. Seeing the apartment so clearly undid me, tonight, but at least I think it’s grieving I’ve gotten to.