That's it, I've had it, you are Amish, young man! (fwd)

Don't *think* I've seen this one hit here yet, and it's one of the first
things in awhile that I've gotten an actually laughed at, so..

> From: Keith Bostic <obfgvp@obfgvp.pbz>
> 
> Forwarded-by: "Harry I. Rubin" <uneel@erqneebj.pbz>
> Forwarded-by: Amy Hanlon <nzl@vaxgbzv.pbz>
> Forwarded-by: Michelle Volpe <zibyc@pgc.pbz>
> 
> Seinfeld monologues
> 
> With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem to
> get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they'd do those
> hearing tests? And you'd really be listening hard, you know? I wanted to
> do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted them to come over to me
> after and go, "We think you may have something close to super-hearing.
> What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We're sending
> the results to Washington, we'd like you to meet the President."
> 
> *
> 
> The proof that we don't understand death is we give dead people a pillow.
> I mean if you can't stretch out and get some solid rest at that point, I
> don't think there are any bedding accessories that can make the
> difference. But the suit and the pillow really shows how we have no idea
> what to get these people ready for. I mean, what situation are you going
> into with a suit and a pillow? There's no business nap meetings.
> 
> *
> 
> Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot.  Do you really want
> music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick
> surface next to a glass door!
> 
> *
> 
> It's tough to do a good deed. Let's look at your professional good-deed
> doers, your Lone Rangers, your Supermen, your Batmen, your Spidermen.
> They're all wearing disguises, masks over their faces, secret identities.
> They don't want people to know who they are. Too much aggravation.
> "Superman, yeah thanks for saving my life, but did you have to come though
> my wall? I'm renting here.  They've got a security deposit. Now what am
> I supposed to do?"
> 
> *
> 
> I'm on the plane, we left late, and the pilot says, "We're going to be
> making up some time in the air." I thought, "Isn't that interesting.  They
> just make up time." That's why you have to reset your watch when you land.
> Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're
> increasing the speed of the aircraft.  Now my question is, if you can go
> faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time? "Come on,
> they're no cops up here!  Nail it!  Give it some gas!  We're flying!"
> 
> *
> 
> You can measure distance by time. "How far away is that place?" "About 20
> minutes." But it doesn't work the other way.  "When do you get off work?"
> "Around 3 miles."
> 
> *
> 
> The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. You ever fly standby? It
> never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there
> going, "Bye."
> 
> *
> 
> Frankly, I don't believe people think of their office as a workplace
> anyway. I think they think of it as a stationery store with Danish.  You
> want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper,
> six cups of coffee, and you go home.
> 
> *
> 
> There are many different jobs for cops these days.  It seems to me that
> Chalk Outline Guy is one of the better jobs you can get. It's not too
> dangerous, the criminals are long gone - that seems like a good one.  I
> don't know who these guys are. I guess they're people who wanted to be
> sketch artists but they couldn't draw too well.  "Uh, listen Johnson,
> forget the sketches, do you think if we left the dead body right there on
> the sidewalk, you could manage to trace around it? Could you do that?" I
> don't even know how that helps them solve the crime. They look at the
> thing on the ground, "Oh, his arm was like that when he hit the pavement,
> that means the killer must have been.......... Jim!"
> 
> *
> 
> Then there's the psychiatrist. Why is that with the psychiatrist every
> hour is only fifty minutes? What do they do with the ten minutes that they
> have left? Do they just sit there going, "Boy that guy was crazy.  I
> couldn't believe the things he was saying.  What a nut. Who's coming in
> next? Oh no, another head case."
> 
> *
> 
> Talk-show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is left in the
> show, you know? They're always looking off camera, "Do we have time? Are
> we out of time? How are we doing on time?" You never see Magnum P.I go,
> "Should I strangle this guy or are we gonna take a break here? Can you
> stay for another beating? I'll tell you what, I'll bop him in the head,
> we'll do a commercial, we'll come back, I'll drive in the car real fast.
> Stay with us."
> 
> *
> 
> The main difference between the man's wallet and the woman's wallet is
> the photo section. Women carry with them a photograph of every person
> they've ever met every day in their whole life since the beginning of
> time. And every picture's out of date. "Here's my cousin, 3 years old,
> she's in the Marines now. This is my dog, he died during the Carter
> administration." They get stopped by a cop, no license and registration.
> "Here's my fifty-six people who know me." Cop goes, "Alright ma'am, just
> wanted to make sure you had some friends. Move it along..... Routine pal
> check."
> 
> *
> 
> I will never understand why they cook on TV.  I can't smell it.  Can't
> eat it.  Can't taste it.  The end of the show they hold it up to the
> camera, "Well, here it is.  You can't have any. Thanks for watching.
> Goodbye."
> 
> *
> 
> Sunday paper is the worst. Weekend. You want to relax."Oh, by the way,
> here's a thousand pages of information you had no idea about." How can
> they tell you everything they know about every single day of the week and
> then have this much left over on Sunday when nothing's going on?
> 
> *
> 
> Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in the little
> book. What is this, the story of the bill? "Once upon a time somebody
> ordered a salad." There's a little gold tassel hanging down. Am I
> graduating from the restaurant? Should I put this on the rearview mirror
> of my Camaro?
> 
> *
> 
> One thing I love about living in New York is it's every different type of
> person piled one on top of the other. I am for open immigration, but that
> sign we have in the front of the Statue of Liberty, "Give us your tired,
> your poor, your huddled masses." Can't we just say, "Hey, the door's open.
> We'll take whoever you got." Do we have to specify "The wretched refuse?"
> Why not just say, "Give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly, the
> people that can't drive, people that have trouble merging, if they can't
> stay in their lane, if they don't signal, they can't parallel park, if
> they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if they have bad penmanship, if
> they don't return calls, if they have dandruff, food between their teeth,
> if they have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot
> shaving........... In other words, any dysfunctional, defective slob that
> you can somehow cattle prod onto a wagon, send them over. We want them."
> 
> *
> 
> Any day that you had gym was a weird school day. It started off kind of
> normal. You had English, Geometry, Social Studies, and then suddenly
> you're in Lord of the Flies for forty minutes. you're hanging from a rope,
> you have hardly any clothes on.  Teachers are yelling at you, "Where's
> your jockstrap?!" Kids are throwing dodge balls at you, snapping towels
> - you're trying to survive. And then it's History, Science, Language.
> There's something off in the whole flow of that day.
> 
> *
> 
> My parents took me to Amish country, which to a kid, to see a bunch of
> people that have no cars, no TV, no phone you go, "So what? Neither do
> I." Who wants to see a whole community that's been grounded? That's the
> way they should punish the kids after they've seen Amish country.  "All
> right son, get up to your room. That's it, I've had it, you are Amish,
> young man. For the rest of this weekend. Did you hear me? Amish! And don't
> come down till you've made some noodles and raised a barn."
> 


--
Ted Beatie						      grq@hh.arg
Systems Engineer					     ..uunet!ted
    UUNET Technologies, Inc., 3060 Williams Drive, Fairfax, VA  22031

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