this is REALLY funny (fwd)

> Excerpted from the book "A Collection of Personal Ads
> From Alternative Newspapers," by Skippy Williams and
> Zohre Crumpton, 1996, Simon and Schuster:
> =

> 1.  Bitter, unsuccessful middle aged loser wallowing in an
> unending sea of inert, drooping loneliness looking for
> 24 year old needy leech-like hanger-on to abuse with
> dull stories, tired sex and Herb Alpert albums.
> =

> 2.  Me--trying to sleep on the bus station bench, pleading
> with you to give me a cigarette;  you--choking on my
> odor, tripping over your purse trying to get away; at
> the last moment, our eyes meeting.  Yours were blue.
> Can I have a dollar?
> =

> 3.  Imp and angel. Disembodied head in jar, 24, seeks
> pixie goddess to fiddle with while Rome burns.  You bring
> marshmallows.  No.  I make joke.  You like laugh?  I
> like comebacks and confessions.  Send photo of someone
> else.
> =

> 4.  I am spitting kitty. Ftt Fttttttt.  I am angry bear.
> Grrrrr.  I am large watermelon seed stuck in your
> nose. Zermmmmmmmmmm.  I am small biting spider in your
> underwear.  Yub yub yub. No mimes.
> =

> 5.  Three toed mango peeler searching for wicked lesbian
> infielder.  Like screaming and marking territory with
> urine?  Let's make banana enchiladas together in my
> bathtub.  You bring the salsa.
> =

> 6.  Mongoloid spastic underwear model with extra limb (you
> guess where?) in search of bottlenosed dolphin and
> extra prickly cactus juice.
> =

> 7.  Soup is good food.
> I like eating mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwiches
> in the rain, watching Barney Miller reruns, peeing on
> birds in the park and licking strangers on the subway;
> you eat beets raw, have climbed Kilimanjaro,and sweat
> freely and often.
> Must wear size five shoes.
> =

> 8.  Timber! Falling downward is the lumber of my love.
> You grind your axe of passion into my endangered
> headlands. Don't make me into a bureau.  I want to
> be lots and lots of toothpicks.
> =

> 9.  Small lumpy squid monkey seeks healthy woman with no
> identifying scars, any age.  Must have all limbs.
> Recommend appreciation of high-pitched, screeching
> noises.  Must like being bored and lonely.  Must not
> touch the squids, EVER.
> =

> 10.  There is a little place in the jumbled sock drawer of
> my heart where you match up all the pairs, throw out
> the ones with holes in them, and buy me some of those
> neat dressy ones with the weird black and red
> geometrical designs on them.
> =

> 11.  Mmmm Pez!  Rabid Wonder Woman fan looking for someone
> in satin tights, fighting for our rights and the old
> red, white 'n blue.  You look like Linda Carter?  Big
> plus.  Know all words to theme song?  Marry me.
> =

> 12.  Sanctimonious mordacious raconteur seeking same for
> hijinks and hiballs.  SJM 27 wants to look someone in
> the eye so don't be tall. Or, if you can't help it,
> enjoy laying down.  Wanna swim upstream?
> =

> 13.  Remember that summer you spent with your parents in
> Hawaii and how mad you were that they made you go?  And
> how you were hopelessly bored until you saw the most
> gorgeous man you'd ever encountered strolling down the
> beach looking at you, skillfully removing your skimpy
> bikini with his piercing eyes?  And how you spent the
> last month imagining him taking you in every possible
> way, masturbating feverishly day and night, wishing he
> would reappear, but he never did because you were
> 15 and he would have gone to jail?  That was me, and
> you just turned 18.
> =

> 14.  Angry, simple-minded, balding, partially blind
> ex-circus flipper boy with a passion for covering
> lovers in sour cream and gravy seeks exotic, heavily
> tattooed piercing fanatic, preferably hairy, either
> sex, for whippings, bizarre sex and fashion
> consulting.  No freaks.
> =

> 15. Demented hunchback seeks humble wench to empty drool
> cup.