FWD: "Do you do this in an airplane as well?"

  I found this on another list (forwarded with permission).
   ---Ben

From: N2OVBZRQ@nby.pbz
Subject: "Do you do this in an airplane as well?"  [NLC]
Date: Mon, 9 Feb 1998 15:45:44 EST
To: ybghf-pnef@yvfgf.orfg.pbz

I received nearly identical questions, asking if I had as bad luck with
airplanes as I do with cars.  Yep, the answer is "yes", sorry to say.

A list of mishaps:

1.  Broken engine mount on the day of my multi-engine checkride.  Engine
didn't quite come off (it tried), we made it safely to the ground.
2.  Collapse of nose-gear on Cessna 404 on landing.  Failed aluminum casting
in the "trunion".  $105,000 damage.  I was a new co-pilot.
3.  Collapse of nose gear on Cessna 441 (turboprop) on landing, almost
immediately after my comments, "we don't know if the nose is down, captain."
(yes we do).  "Ok, three green lights, for what it's worth".  Crunch. $505,000
damage.  The sound of the props striking the pavement (driven by jet engines)
was quite interesting.  Rrrrrrrrrr.  Like a drill biting into concrete, and
slowing down only slightly, 'till we cut the condition levers.  
4.  Last day at work at my old job:  I'm training a new guy, he hits the
throttles too hard during a stall series.  "Oh Sh*t", I say.  Boom, goes the
right engine as it self-destructs.  Emergency declared, safe landing (I took
over).  
5.  New job.  Emergency Smoke Detection light goes off in the back of the
Boeing 727.  Emergency landing (Columbus, Ohio), hazardous materials "special
force" deployed by the fire department, suits and masks and all.  Twenty fire
trucks.  Pretty cool.  Made the news.  No fire, and the "hazardous materials"
turn out to be a case of Elizabeth Arden purfume and a box of auto hatch
lifters "struts containing compressed gas".  I think I told you guys 'bout
this one.
6.  Same new job.  Smoke light goes on again.  F*ck it.  We continue, last
time was too much of a hassle, and anyway, how many Valujets are you gonna
have in a year?
7.  Decending from 37,000, we lose a "yaw damper".  Feels like the airplane is
coming apart.  No big deal, but scary.  We find the problem, deal with it.
After things calm down, the captain begins breathing normally again.  I (not
thinking it through) suddenly jam my foot on the right rudder, to make sure
it's working properly still.  Should'a warned the captain before I did it.
Had to pull him off the ceiling, still screaming about certain death.
"Sorry."

Oh yeah, and once a nose wheel came apart on takeoff, and another time the
nose gear wouldn't come down again, but I held for 30 minutes and cycled the
gear 58 times (I counted) and the 59th it unlocked, and once all the deice
systems failed going into Marquette, Michigan, and only full power in the
descent kept me airborne, and once a capain flew me through a thunderstorm
that put us upside-down and was severe enough to break the seat-back of one of
the passenger seats (passenger still in it)  and pop some rivets in the skin,
and, oh never mind.  This is supposed to be about Lotus's isn't it?

-Richard
'83 Turbo Esprit

P.S.  No, I'm not putting any of this on my United Airlines application.