Just say no to bike pumps... (Darwin Awards)

>> >1998 DARWIN AWARD NOMINEES:
>> >
>> >(# 1) LOS ANGELES, CA -  Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to
>> >remove
>> >a
>> >bees nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple.
>> A
>> >pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent
>> of
>> >one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to
>> watch
>> >from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the
>> >hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window
>> inwards,
>> >seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki need stitches, the
>> >brothers
>> >headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their
>> car,
>> >Ani
>> >was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either
>> >brother,
>> >Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation enroute to the
>> >hospital.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >(# 2)QUEENSLAND, AUSTRALIA -  A Queensland, Australia man, 63, and
>> his
>> >female companion, 64, were driving along the Newell Highway near
>> Moree,
>> >in
>> >Northwestern New South Wales, on a Wednesday night, police said.
>> Their
>> >car
>> >crashed into the side of a fully laden, 600 meter long train at a
>> level
>> >crossing (I guess that would be harder to miss than the side of a
>> >barn!).
>> >The vehicle became wedged between the second last and last carriages
>> and
>> >was
>> >dragged sideways beside the track as the train continued towards
>> Moree,
>> >a
>> >police spokeswoman said. After being carried more than a kilometer
>> and
>> a
>> >half, they approached an unfenced bridge with a 10 meter drop, the
>> >spokeswoman said. Moments before they reached the precipice, the car
>> was
>> >struck by a pylon, dislodged from the train and spun several times.
>> When
>> >it
>> >came to rest, the pair managed to free themselves from the wreck (I
>> >wonder
>> >if it was a Volvo?) with minor bruising and the man set off along the
>> >railway line for help. But he slipped on the bridge and fell to his
>> >death.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >(# 3) MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April
>> in
>> >Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved
>> cousin,
>> >Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of
>> >Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more
>> >traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >(# 4) PHILLIPSBURG, NJ -  An unidentified 29 year old male choked to
>> >death
>> >on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a
>> >local
>> >establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer
>> >identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >(# 5)WINDSOR, ONTARIO, CANADA -  In February, according to police in
>> >Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a
>> head-on
>> >collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were
>> playing
>> >with
>> >their snowmobiles.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >(# 6) MOSCOW, Russia. A drunk security man asked a colleague at the
>> >Moscow
>> >bank they were guarding to stab his bullet-proof vest to see if it
>> would
>> >protected him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old
>> >guard
>> >died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into
>> the
>> >spirit of the Darwin Awards.)
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >(# 7)FRANCE -  In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance
>> when
>> >he
>> >decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and
>> tied
>> >a
>> >noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large
>> >rock.
>> >He
>> >drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot
>> >himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The
>> bullet
>> >missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the
>> >threat
>> >of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished
>> the
>> >flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water
>> by
>> >a
>> >kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of
>> >hypothermia.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >(# 8) RENTON, WA - On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man
>> tried
>> >to
>> >commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested
>> by
>> >the
>> >fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his
>> >terminally
>> >stupid choices as listed below:
>> >
>> >1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.
>> >
>> >2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
>> >portion
>> >of
>> >the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in
>> public
>> >places.
>> >
>> >3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol
>> car
>> >parked at the front door.
>> >
>> >4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having
>> coffee
>> >before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be
>> robber
>> >announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a
>> clerk
>> >promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several
>> other
>> >customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was
>> hurt.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >1997 DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS (I.E. Non-fatalities)
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >CARBON COUNTY, PA - In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were
>> >drinking
>> >beer and discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by
>> >Irving
>> >Michaels, age 27.  The men were firing at a raccoon that was
>> wandering
>> >by,
>> >but the beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite the estimated
>> 35
>> >shots the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter
>> >drainage
>> >pipe some 100 feet away from Mr. Michaels' deck. Mr. Michaels
>> retrieved
>> >a
>> >can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the
>> >animal
>> >out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels
>> >emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to
>> ignite
>> >it
>> >again, to no avail. Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the
>> determined
>> >Mr.
>> >Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the
>> >sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly expanding
>> >fireball
>> >propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much
>> higher
>> >rate of speed. He exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile
>> leaves
>> >a
>> >submarine," according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels
>> was
>> >launched directly over his own home, right over the heads of his
>> >astonished
>> >friends, onto his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet
>> through
>> >the
>> >air. "There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us,"
>> >McFadden
>> >reported, "followed by a loud thud." Amazingly, he suffered only
>> minor
>> >injuries. "It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when
>> they
>> >shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was
>> >sure
>> >I
>> >wouldn't get hurt."
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends
>> when
>> >one
>> >of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the middle
>> of
>> >the
>> >Tacoma Narrows Bridge. The conversation grew more heated and at least
>> 10
>> >men
>> >trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at
>> the
>> >midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee
>> >rope.
>> >Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that
>> a
>> >coil
>> >of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured
>> around
>> >Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall
>> lasted
>> >40feet before the cable tightened and pulled his foot off at the
>> ankle.
>> >He
>> >miraculously survived his fall into the frigid waters of the Tacoma
>> >Narrow
>> >and Puget Sound and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can
>> >say,"
>> >said Bingham, "Is that God was watching out for me on that night.
>> >There's
>> >just no other explanation for it." Bingham's severed foot was never
>> >located.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >SEA OF JAPAN - Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese
>> trawler
>> >were
>> >plucked out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their
>> sunken
>> >ship. Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment
>> once
>> >authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. To a man
>> they
>> >claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck  the
>> >trawler
>> >amidships, shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within minutes.
>> >They
>> >remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force
>> >reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its
>> >cargo
>> >planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a
>> Siberian
>> >airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken off
>> for
>> >home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to
>> >manage
>> >a now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and
>> >themselves,
>> >they shoved the animal out of the cargohold as they crossed the Sea
>> of
>> >Japan
>> >at an altitude of 30,000 feet.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >AUGUSTA, ME - Four people were injured in a string of bizarre
>> accidents.
>> >Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying
>> masonry,
>> >Tim
>> >Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on
>> his
>> >chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and
>> >Pamela
>> >Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off.
>> >Moeller
>> >had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in
>> >addition
>> >to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him.
>> >
>> >"I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later. "I was really
>> close
>> >to
>> >the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't
>> have
>> >been
>> >for more than two seconds".
>> >
>> >However, cab driver Vegas did see, and lost control of his cab,
>> running
>> >over
>> >the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside,
>> >Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The
>> crash
>> >of
>> >the cab against the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums
>> >with
>> >a
>> >cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from
>> >Klesick's
>> >hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical
>> >building.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating three
>> >birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw
>> a
>> >picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A
>> >translator
>> >arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie
>> >Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being
>> >unable
>> >to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized
>> something
>> >was
>> >wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting
>> foam.
>> >She
>> >ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks away where
>> doctors
>> >were
>> >able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill
>> >effects.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >And the winner is:
>> >
>> >JAPAN - (Excerpt from Japan Times, April 1997)  "The government must
>> >crack
>> >down on this disgusting craze of "Pumping", a spokesman for the
>> Nakhon
>> >Ratchasima hospital told reporters. "If this perversion catches on,
>> it
>> >will
>> >destroy people's manhood." He was speaking after the remains of 13
>> >year-old
>> >Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital's emergency
>> >room.
>> >"Most 'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained,
>> "inserting
>> >the
>> >nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating
>> a
>> >momentary high. This act is a sin against God." Charnchai took it
>> >further
>> >still. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that
>> wasn't
>> >exciting enough for him, and he boasted to friends that he was going
>> to
>> >try
>> >the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him
>> to
>> >do
>> >it so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in. Not realizing how
>> powerful
>> >the
>> >machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a
>> >coin
>> >in
>> >the slot. As a result, he died virtually instantly, but passersby are
>> >still
>> >in shock. One woman thought she was watching a twilight fireworks
>> >display,
>> >and started clapping. "We still haven't located all of him.", say the
>> >police
>> >authorities. "When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in
>> his
>> >system, he nearly exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or
>> >something."
>> >"Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to Satan,
>> >"Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means, but then
>> hide
>> >your
>> >bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."
>> >
>> >Let's hear it for Charnchai Puanmuangpak, the NEW 1997 undisputed
>> Darwin
>> >Awards recipient!
>> >
>> 
>> 
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>
>

                              Cheers,
                                 Dave C

---------------------------------------------------------
David Corlette          znvygb:pbeyrggr@uhnec.uneineq.rqh
(617)495-5922           http://www-arp.harvard.edu