Quality Control

GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

      God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.  In order
      to better serve your needs, S/He asks that you take a few moments to
      answer the following questions.

      Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
      confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address
      unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

      1. How did you find out about God?

         __ Newspaper                    __ Other Book
         __ Television                   __ Divine Inspiration
         __ Word of mouth                __ Near Death Experience
         __ Tabloid                      __ Burning Shrubbery
         __ Bible                        __ Other
         __ Torah                             (specify): _____________

      2. Which model God did you acquire?

         __ Yaweh                        __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost
         __ Jehova                       __ Jesus
         __ Allah                        __ Satan
         __ God                          __ None of the above, I was taken
         __ G_d                             in by a false god

      3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
         order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

         __ Yes                          __ No

         If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered
     here:
         ____

      4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god?
         Please check all that apply.

         __ Indoctrinated by parents       __ Needed a reason to live
         __ Indoctrinated by society       __ Needed focus in who to
                                                despise
         __ Imaginary friend grew up       __ Hate to think for myself
         __ Wanted to meet girls/boys      __ Fear of death
         __ Wanted to piss off parents     __ Needed a day away from work
         __ Desperate need for certainty   __ Like the music
         __ Need to feel Morally Superior  __ My shrubbery caught fire and
                                              told me to do it

      5. Have you ever worshipped a God before?  Is so, which false god
     were you fooled by?  Please check all that apply.

         __ Odin                          __ Cthulhu
         __ Zeus                          __ The Almighty Dollar
         __ Appolo                        __ Left Wing Liberalism
         __ Ra                            __ Barney T.B.P.D.
         __ The great Spirit              __ The Great Pumpkin
         __ The Sun                       __ Bill Clinton
         __ The Moon                      __ A burning cabbage
         __ The Bomb                      __ Other: ________________

      6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in
     addition to God?  Please check all that apply.

         __ Tarot                        __ Lottery
         __ Astrology                    __ Television
         __ Fortune cookies              __ Ann Landers
         __ Psychic Friends Network      __ Dianetics
         __ Palmistry                    __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
         __ Self-help books              __ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
         __ Biorythms                    __ Bill Clinton
         __ Tea Leaves                   __ EST
         __ Mantras                      __ Jimmy Swaggert
         __ Crystals                     __ Human Sacrifice
         __ Pyramids                     __ Wandering around a desert
         __ Insurance policies           __ Burning Shrubbery
         __ Barney T.B.P.D.              __ Other: _____________________
         __ Barney Fife                  __ None

      7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve
     the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.  Which would you
     prefer (circle one)?

         a. More Divine Intervention
         b. Less Divine Intervention
         c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
         d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?

      8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
         miracles.  Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 Her/His handling of the
         following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

         a. Disasters
                flood                     1   2   3   4   5
                famine                    1   2   3   4   5
                earthquake                1   2   3   4   5
                war                       1   2   3   4   5
                pestilence                1   2   3   4   5
                plague                    1   2   3   4   5
                SPAM                      1   2   3   4   5
                AOL                       1   2   3   4   5

         b. Miracles
                rescues                   1   2   3   4   5
                spontaneous remissions    1   2   3   4   5
                stars hovering over towns 1   2   3   4   5
                crying statues            1   2   3   4   5
                water changing to wine    1   2   3   4   5
                walking on water (other   1   2   3   4   5
                  than the Hudson)
                talking flaming shrubbery 1   2   3   4   5
                VCRs that set their own   1   2   3   4   5
                  clocks
                Sadam Husein still alive  1   2   3   4   5
                Cubs winning the Series   1   2   3   4   5
                Clinton's re-election     1   2   3   4   5

      9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving
      the quality of God's services?  (Attach an additional sheet if
      necessary):