chuck heston and the nra

[           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
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             NOTE TO OUR NON-AMERICAN SUBSCRIBERS:  
            
The National Rifle Association (NRA) is an American organization
which promotes the right of every American citizen to own guns,
including rifles, handguns, and semi-automatic assault weapons.
      Recently, when they needed a new president for their 
  organization, they did what we Americans often do and elected
      a has-been actor, former film star Charlton Heston.


  
                         July 10, 1998  
  
  
      The Top 13 Changes Chuck Heston has Made for the NRA  
  
  
  
  
13> Opened new target range next to Barbara Streisand's house.  
  
12> New bumper sticker: "Get Your Stinkin' Paws Off Us, You Damn  
    Dirty Liberals!"  
  
11> Commemorative Ben Hur handles for all AK-47's purchased before
    the new millennium.  
  
10> Promoting new Cub Scout "Large Caliber" merit badge.  
  
 9> Gave acting lessons so NRA reps can now say, "Guns don't kill
    people, people kill people," with a straight face.  
  
 8> Instituted new "Cooperate with federal law enforcement agencies
    instead of shooting at them" policy.  
  
 7> Painted Al Gore like a mallard and announced, "It's duck  
    season!!"  
  
 6> Hired that Chris White guy to do a goofy "Top 13 Ways to  
    Misinterpret the 2nd Amendment" list.  
  
 5> Decorated national HQ office with huge "9 Commandments" mural.
  
 4> New NRA slogan: "You can take my gun only after you pry it 
    from my kid's cold, dead fingers."  
  
 3> Used Moses' biggest trick for new "Parting of Reason" campaign.
  
 2> Offered free ammo for new members with more teeth than fingers.
  
  
  and Top5's Number 1 Change Chuck Heston has Made for the NRA...  
  
  
 1> Hired Joe Camel to head up the new "NRA for Kids" division.