Fwd: Pagan Football

Feh!    I"m not a football fan, but... :)


Content-Disposition: inline>>Pagan Football......

Heard one night on Between the Worlds Radio, WIKA...

Bob:  "For those of you who have just joined us, this has been one hell
of a game!  The Salem Witches, led by the ferocious play of Sven
Gahrinnson, a huge Asatru defensive end, have taken a 21-14 lead over
the Bethany Baptists."

Sam:  "That's right, Bob. Sven's a force, but Bethany's quarterback
Paul Damascus has been throwing passes with all the zeal of an evangelist
passing out tracts on Judgement Day. Leading the Baptists' "Fire and
Brimstone" offense, Damascus has been burning the Witches' secondary
all evening."

Bob:  "Sam, now that was uncalled for..."

Sam:  "Hey, if the Witches hadn't put a spell on the referees they
wouldn't even be in this game!"

Bob:  "And if the Baptists hadn't soaked the field with holy water, the
Witches would still be able to use their running game, not to mention
the third degree burns that Salem's tight end received."

Sam:  "His name was Vlad!  I'll bet he wasn't only a witch but a --"

Bob:  "Don't say it!"

Sam: "But the Bible says..."

Bob:  "SAM!  Let's return to the action on the field."

Sam:  :::mumbling::: "Well it does..."

Bob:  "Salem's just about to kick off with 2:35 left in the fourth
quarter. JohnPaul is on his own five yard line to receive for the
Baptists. Here'sthe kick...  It's a beauty!  Just look at the hang
time!"

Sam:  "I'd look for a penalty on that kick.  Illegal summoning of air
elementals, I would think."

Bob:  "JohnPaul takes the kick... he's on the ten... the fifteen.. WOW!
WHAT A HIT!!  Sven just leveled JohnPaul! I'm amazed Bethany's return
man could even hold on to the ball.  Uh oh... JohnPaul's not moving.
The trainers are coming out to the field."

Sam:  :::chanting gleefully::: "Threefold law!  Threefold law!  Sven's
going to pay!  He meant to hit him hard."

Bob: "Sam, this is football! You're supposed to hit them hard.
Besides, Sven's not Wiccan, he's Asatru!"

Sam:  :::mumbling::: "Well, they're all going to burn in hell.  They
aren't Christian, after all. The Bible says --"

Bob: :::cutting off Sam::: "It looks like JohnPaul's going to be okay.
He may not know what time zone he's in after that hit, but at least
he's on his feet. The Witches's defense takes the field.  Sven holds down
the left side while Gavin Lord leads Salem's "Wild Hunt" defense.  Listen
to them howl!  The Witches' fans are going wild, the pep band is leading a
spiral dance while the cheerleaders are drawing down the moon.  I can't
imagine how Bethany can even hear the count over all this noise!

"Here's the snap.  Damascus drops back.  Here comes Sven!  Damascus is
scrambling, chased by the Wild Hunt.  He has nowhere to run, not with
the Hunt on his heels.  Damascus throws the ball away, stopping the
clock with 2:08 left to play."

Sam:  "There's a flag on the play.  I'll bet it's against the Witches"

Bob: "My guess is holding on the offense, Sam."

Sam: "Yeah, right.  You're just saying that 'cause you don't want the
Baptists to win."

Bob:  "No, I'm saying that because one of Bethany's offensive linemen
is still holding someone's kilt!"

Sam: "They should call that a foul.  After all, the Bible says --"

Bob: :::cutting Sam off again::: "The refs have marked off the penalty
and the players are lining up again.  Damascus is calling the signals.
Here's the snap.  He drops back and throws.  It's caught by Moses at
the 30 and he's brought down immediately.  That's going to bring up the two
minute warning."

>Sam:  "Let's break for a word from our sponsor, New Jerusalem
witnessing Tracts."

Bob: "Let's not.  We're back!  The word on JohnPaul's injury is either
a slight concussion or demon possession.  The team is calling in a
specialist from the Vatican to be sure.  It seems that Sven hit him
hard enough that the Bethany return man thinks he's in a past life.  He  keeps
saying, "I was really just kidding.  I like lions.  Really.  Good kitty!"

"There's 1:58 left on the game clock and from the look of things on the
field, I think that Bethany's starting to panic."

Sam: "Why do you say that?"

Bob: "Because it looks like they're going for the "hail mary" play."

Sam: "And why do you say that?"

Bob: "Just listen to the Baptists' fans."

Fans:  "Hail Mary, Mother of God... Hail Mary, Mother of God..."

Bob: "Here's the snap.  Damascus drops back... he's under pressure...
Damascus scrambles to the right, looking for an open receiver... he
reverses the field, running to the left... Sven is right on his heals..
He throws... Touchdown!! What an immaculate reception!  Touchdown
Bethany!"

Sam: "Yes! Yes! YES!!!"

Bob: "Let's be a little objective here..."

Sam: "Time to make those sinners pay!"

Bob: "Bethany's going for the two point conversion.  The Wild Hunt is
growling, you can hear it even over the roar of the crowd.  This could
be the game right here, folks.  The Baptists are pulling out all the
stops.  I think that's even the Ark of the Covenant that they're
parading over there.

Here's the snap... It's a quarterback sneak!  Damascus dives into the
heart of the Wild Hunt!  Look at that pile! Damascus is somewhere at
the bottom. It's going to be a moment before they sort this one out, folks.

"One of the Baptists is in Sven's face.  Uh oh... I think he's
witnessing to the Asatru. Yep!  There's the flag!  That'll be
unsportsmanlike conduct on Bethany.  Fifteen yards off the kick off.

"It looks like the Baptists have made the conversion!  Bethany leads 22
to 21."

Sam:  "That's not the only thing they converted.  It looks like Sven is
headed back to Bethany's sideline."

Bob:  "No!  Sven!  You're a warrior!  Come back!  Come back!"

Sam:  "Oh.... is da widdle asatwoo a kwistjun now?"

Bob:  :::ignoring Sam::: "Fourth quarter... 1:22 left on the clock.
Bethany sends a deep booming kick into Salem's end zone.  Wait... who
s that returning the kick?  Long hair... curves... It's Artemis!  Those
Bethany defenders don't know who they have coming at them!"

Sam: "If she turns anyone into a stag and they don't call a penalty,
I'll protest!"

Bob: "Artemis fields the ball deep in her own end zone.  She's bringin
it out! She's at the five, at the ten... breaks a tackle.. to the
fifteen, the twenty... she's on the sideline with room to run... Does
anyone hear trumpets? Are those angels over there?  OHMIGOD WHAT WAS
THAT FLASH OF LIGHT?!?!??!"

Sam:  "Where did all of Bethany's players go?  Where are their fans?"

Bob:  "Looks like its the Rapture... Artemis is left with a field empty
of defenders... She's at the fifty... the forty... the twenty...
Touchdown!! Salem's ahead by five with Bethany nowhere in sight!"

Sam: "Judgement Day... It can't be Judgement Day..."

Bob:  "Looks like the refs are talking this one over.  The clock is
stopped with fifty-eight seconds left to play.  The Bethany Baptists
are no where sight and the Salem Witches lead 27 - 22.  Here's the official
ruling...That's game! The Bethany Baptists forfeit the game and the
Salem Witches win,27 - 22!"

Sam:  :::still bemoaning his fate::: "Judgement Day...  It was
Judgement Day and no one came to get me!  It can't be Judgement Day!
Why?  Why, Bob? Why?"

Bob:  "Don't know, Sam.  It's your system of belief, not mine.  You're
welcome to hang out with us Pagans."

Sam:  "Dear GOD!  It was Judgement Day and they sent me to Hell!  This
is Hell, isn't it Bob?"

Bob: :::thinking of being the only Pagan that Sam knows::: "Only for
me, Sam. Only for me."