Star Wars Redux

[I really liked this... Std apologies if you've seen it already. --G]



 INT. SPACESHIP

                     LIAM NEESON
           It is vitally important we enter trade
           negotiations with the federation.

                     EWAN MCGREGOR
           I agree.  This one planet and how it
           trades with other planets is certainly
           an important enough topic to be the
           entire plot of a Star Wars film.

 INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK

                     EVIL ALIEN
           Werr.  What wirr we do now?  My evil,
           obviousry Asian race must prevair.  I
           wirr not face de Jedi.  Send de droid.

 INT. SPACESHIP - BACK TO THE JEDI

 A droid enters.

                     LIAM NEESON
           I sense a disturbance in the force.

                     EWAN MCGREGOR
           Well, shit.

 Suddenly, numerous pieces of CGI enter and begin
 attacking the Jedi.  The Jedi use the high
 concentration
 of midichlorians in their bodies to use the force
 to
 destroy the CGI.  They run outside.

 EXT. NABOO

 They run until they smack into some more CGI.

                     JAR JAR
           Who might you be?

                     LIAM NEESON
              (staring in the general
                direction of Jar Jar, but
                not really staring at him)
           I am a Jedi.  There are bad things
           coming.  Take me to your homeland.

                     JAR JAR
           I see.  That is quite interesting.  I
           will guide you to the land from which
           I have come.

 Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes the Jar Jar toys
 aren't
 selling well enough.

                     JAR JAR (cont'd)
           Oh!  Meesa sorry!  Meesa ment to
 Weesa can go back to Jamaica
           mon, okeyday?

                     EWAN MCGREGOR
              (staring at something right
                above Jar Jar)
           Good.  Do you have a hotel room for me
           and Liam?  We have..uh..Jedi business
           to attend to.

                     JAR JAR
           Weesa can smokesa some ganja, mon.

                     AUDIENCE
           Die.  Die, Jar Jar.  Nobody likes you.

 INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK

 The queen appears over some kind of thing which
 appears
 to be better in technology than the kinds of
 things in
 the original trilogy.

                     NATALIE PORTMAN
           I am the queen. You've gone too far
           this time. I will tell the senate and
           you will be in a lot of trouble.

                     EVIL ALIEN
           I'm so sorry, Amidala.

                     NATALIE PORTMAN
           No, no, I'm Padme now.

                     EVIL ALIEN
           I thought when in the makeup, you were
           the queen.

                     NATALIE PORTMAN
           No, I'm whoever is playing the queen
           at the time.  The voice changes don't
           help you figure this out.

                     EVIL ALIEN
           Stop trying to confoose me!  Droids,
           capture the queen.. or Padme.. er..
           just capture everyone!

 LIAM and EWAN and, grrr, JAR JAR too take NATALIE
 PORTMAN
 and other members of her staff onto a ship and
 they
 escape.  They go to Tatooine.

 INT. TATOOINE - SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE LLOYD IS HELD
 SLAVE

                     JAKE LLOYD
           Hi there!  Golly I'm cute.

                     NATALIE PORTMAN
           You certainly are, little boy.

                     JAKE LLOYD
           Am I the only one disturbed by the fact
           that I'm gonna bone you in episode
           two?

                     LIAM NEESON
           Jake, I need you to have a pod race so
           I can get the parts I need and free
           you.

                     JAKE'S MOM
           No, I won't allow him to pod race.
           He'll get hurt.
              (pause)
           Ok, I will. Nevermind.  Good luck.

 They pod race.  It looks really COOL.

                     GEORGE LUCAS
              (attempting subtlety)
           Oh! Look!  There's a video game of
           this scene... uh.. buy it!  Hey, I had
           to sacrifice a part of my grand vision
           for these movies to include a part
           that could be turned into a game, so
           buy it or I'll do it even more in
           episode 2.

 JAKE wins!  He has to leave his mother, which will
 become
 very important in the next movie.  He also has to
 leave
 his protocol droid, THREEPIO.

                     AUDIENCE
           He built C-3PO?  Why wasn't this ever
           mentioned in the original trilogy?

                     GEORGE LUCAS
           Because I just made it up.  Speaking
           of stuff I'm just making up, how do
           you like the midichlorian bullshit I
           pulled out of my ass?

 They all get into their ship and go to Coruscant.

 INT. CORUSCANT - JEDI COUNCIL

                     LIAM NEESON
           I want to train this boy.

                     YODA
           Nope.  Sorry.  Too old the boy is.
           Clouded his future seems.  Vague my
           worries are.

                     LIAM NEESON
           Well, he is the chosen one.  He will
           bring balance to the force.  I'm
           training him.

                     SAMUEL L. JACKSON
           Yoda told you no, muthafucka.  What
           the fuck is wrong with you, bitchass?
           I'll fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna be a
           fuckin bad ass in the next two fuckin
           movies, you know.  My toy has a
           fuckin lightsaber.

                     LIAM NEESON
           I'm going to go over your head and
           train him myself, then. So there.

 He exits.

 INT. GALACTIC SENATE MEETING

                     IAN MCDIARMID
           Damn I'm evil.

 Suddenly, we see E.T!  This does not make the film
 HYPER-
 CUTESEY like Return of the Jedi, but CLEVER.

 EXT. NABOO

                     NATALIE PORTMAN
           I am either the queen or Padme now.
           Regardless, your cheesy-looking race
           of annoying, unrealistic characters
           need to ally with our badly acting
           race of creatures so we can capture
           this one guy.

                     BOSS NASS
           One guy?  The climax of this film
           revolves entirely around us capturing
           one, pretty insignificant guy?
           Doesn't that make this whole thing
           kinda pointless?

                     NATALIE PORTMAN
           No more pointless than the fact that
           this entire film revolves around taxes
           on trade and the cutting off of one,
           pathetic little planet half-filled
           with annoying creatures.

 They go after the bad guy or whatever.  Who cares?

 Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight
 sequence.  Darth wears black boots, a black cloak,
 a
 black shirt, has a red lightsaber, wears red and
 black
 face paint, and has horns.  He is EVIL.

 Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one
 insignificant guy and we really don't care.

 Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of
 droids and
 we really don't care except we want the Gungans to
 die.

 Meanwhile, Anakin takes off into space to join the
 space-
 battle, which is mostly over by the time he
 arrives.  We
 care a little bit.

 INT. SOME KIND OF THINGY WITH SOME RED FORCE
 FIELDS

 MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber
 battle
 which has had a lot of effort put into the
 choreography
 and is thousands of times better than any other
  lightsaber battle in a Star Wars film.

                     AUDIENCE
           Whoa! This is really cool!

 Suddenly, we go back to one of the other three
 stupid
 battles going on at the time.  Eventually, we
 return to
 the good one.

                     DARTH MAUL
              (menacing as hell)
           Grrr.

 Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, which is very
 surprising,
 especially to those of us who bought the film
 score which
 has a song whose title gives away the ending.  He
 then
  kicks EWAN into a shaft.  EWAN grabs onto
 something on
 the side and holds on for dear life.

                     EWAN MCGREGOR
           Well, you certainly are an experienced
           fighter and there is little question
           you could kick pretty much anyone's
           ass.

                     DARTH MAUL (cont'd)
           Muahahahaha.

 Slowly, EWAN uses the force to grab LIAM'S
 lightsaber,
 jump up out of the shaft, over MAUL, press the
 button
 on the saber, and slice MAUL in half while MAUL
 stands
 there like an idiot and does nothing at all.  He
 dies.

 EXT. SPACE

                     JAKE LLOYD
           Whoaaaaa!  I'm in space! Now this is
           pod racing! Yipee!  Uh oh!  Man, I'm
           so cute.

 JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor
 for the
 ship is kept.  He accidentally blows it to SHIT.

                     JAKE LLOYD (cont'd)
           Uh oh!  I better leave!  Let's leave
           Artoo!

 They exit quickly.  The ship explodes, which stops
 all
 the droids and just makes everything great,
 because it's
 always enjoyable when a serious conflict is
 resolved with
 a slapstick accident.

 EXT. THE STREETS OF NABOO

 The Gungans are dancing and such, still alive.  A
 huge
 party ensues.

                     AUDIENCE
           Wow!  Watching this party and all this
           celebration has convinced me that the
           tiny, pathetic problem that has been
           taken care of is actually really
           significant!  Hooray!

 Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all
 the
 mindless celebration and kiddie cartoon bullshit,
 what
 actually happened was the future-emperor has
 actually
 manipulated everything, come into great power, and
 that
 one tiny problem has actually been resolved, but
 thousands more have been created.

                     GEORGE LUCAS
           Three years, suckers.  I'd make them
           come out sooner, but I work very hard
           on my films, as I am an independent
           filmmaker due to my disgust with
           Hollywood's commercialism.  Now go buy
           some Star Wars toys!