[zetland-affiliates] Instructions For Giving Your Cat a Pill (fwd)

Have you seen this?  Mags sent it to me, and I thought you might find it
amusing.
-S.

-- 
"The tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down
the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth.  Lo. Lee. Ta."
	-Vladimir Nabokov

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Fri, 21 Sep 2001 11:58:58 -0400 (EDT)
From: Margaret Hart <zntf@ncbpnylcfr.bet>
To: Less Like A Rocket Ship <fnenu@ncbpnylcfr.bet>
Subject: [zetland-affiliates] Instructions For Giving Your Cat a Pill (fwd)

cute..


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1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left
arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and
thumb on either side of cat's  mouth and gently apply
pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm
holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open
and push pill to back of  mouth with right fore-finger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call friend.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat.
Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing
wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down remove ruler and
rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from
foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and
set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat
with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end
of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow
down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans,
drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to
friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold
water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave
head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick
pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door
back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check
records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt
away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty
pruning gloves from shed, hold cat's mouth open with small
spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of
fillet of steak. Hold head vertically and pour  pint of
water down  throat to wash pill down.

14) Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop
on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat. Ring local pet shop
to see if they have any hamsters.




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