Etiquette for Rednecks... (fwd)

From another list I'm on...  :)

Bill

---------- Forwarded message ----------

Etiquette for Rednecks... you know who you are. <grin>

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PERSONAL HYGIENE
 --Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-
down item.
 --While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job
that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
 --Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

 --Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger
foods.

 --Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A
cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the
same goal and save hours. It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water
handy when using this method.

DINING OUT
 --When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

 --If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.

 --Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all,
their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
 --A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.

 --Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how
good his manners are.

 --Be considerate of your guests.  Point out in advance where the
injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.

 --If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to
leave them alone for a few minutes.

DATING (Outside the Family)
 --Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
 --No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were
stolen from a cemetery.

 --Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting
to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall
two years ago."

 --Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.  Some
will say 10:00.  Others might say "Monday."  If the latter is the
answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.

 --If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall,
water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in
frustration.

 --Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping.  It's bad for your
reputation.

 --Always allow your date first pick of any roadkill you run across.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
 --Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.

 --Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
 --Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

 --Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding?  Not if you are the groom.

 --When dancing, never remove undergarments; no matter how hot it is.
 --Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.

 --A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost-effective, but
also a proven fly deterrent.

 --For the groom, at least rent a tux.  A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
 --Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in sight.

 --When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.

 --Never tow another car using  pantyhose and duct tape.

 --When  sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

 --Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.

 --Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit
in.

 --Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
 --Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.

 --Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

 --Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.

 --It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

 --Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

 --The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets,
especially if other people are around.

 --If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the
sheets.

 --Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.