Abbot and Koshtello talk Vorlon baseball

Here is the long-delayed bit on Voron baseball.  Every time I would
try to make time to finish this, a voice in my head would say, "We
are too thin.  It is not yet our time."  Now that the semester is
all but over, that voice is saying, "Post!  Post now!"

Brother Theo is named abbot of Babylon 5 and, in a rare gesture
of ecuminical bridge-building, is allowed to visit the Vorlon
 homeworld.  As a rabid baseball fan, he he delighted to find the
Vorlons are past masters of the game.  Here he meets the coach of
one of the local teams.  From way out in left field, we can now
relay to you:

ABBOT AND KOSHTELLO TALK VORLON BASEBALL

Abbot: I really like baseball.  It's so spiritual.  Will you
        tell me about the Vorlon game?

Koshtello: <limbers up>Yes.  Formality.  Ritual.  You should be
            informed.<salutes flag>

Abbot: We've heard rumors of rumors of what happened to Vorlon
        pitching during the critical game of the last series
        with the Shadows.  What happened?

Koshtello: <bobbles ball>Being hit by so many at once was a great
           strain.  We returned to the locker room to rest.<throws
           into stands>

Abbot: Any other problems from that series?

Koshtello: <line drives>A signal from the coach does not guarantee
           a hit from the bat.  Do you understand?<standup double>

Abbot: Absolutely.  What changes have you made to counteract their
        lineup?

Koshtello: <ogles spectators>We take no interest in the batting
           order of others.<yawns>

Abbot: Do you believe you will be with the team next year if you
        don't do well in this series?

Koshtello: <signs autograph>Belief does not enter into it.  I have
           a contract!<endorses product>

Abbot: If you could be out there, what position would you want
        to play?

Koshtello: <fireworks>Never ask that question!<light show>

Abbot: Sorry.  Perhaps you could tell me about the team.

Koshtello: <spits>I will do as you ask.  But there is a price.
           I will not be there to help you complete the box
           score.<adjusts crotch>

Abbot:  Fair enough.  Who's on first?

Koshtello: <crack of bat on ball>Yes.<Foul ball!>

Abbot: I mean the fellow's name.

Koshtello: <crowd roar>Who.<Bronx cheer>

Abbot: The guy on first.

Koshtello: <checks swing>Who.<Steerike!>

Abbot: The first baseman.

Koshtello: <thumps glove>Who.<flips down sunshades>

Abbot: You got a first baseman?

Koshtello: <Time!>Yes.  You do not understand, but you
           will.<calls to bullpen>

Abbot: Then who's playing first?

Koshtello: <Play ball!>Yes.<nods to catcher>

Abbot: All I want is to find out what's the guy's name on
        first base.

Koshtello: <bunt signal>Impudent!  What is on second.<swings away>

Abbot: I'm not asking who's on second.

Koshtello: <leads crowd wave>You have forgotten something.  Who
           is on first.<seventh inning stretch>

Abbot: I don't know.

Koshtello: <Peanuts!>He is on third.<Cold beer!>

Abbott: How did I get on third?  Never mind, just stay on third, ok?

Koshtello: <checks runner>As you wish.<shakes off catcher>

Abbot: Now, who's playing third?

Koshtello: <kicks dirt>No.  Putting who on third would complete
           the circle.<chest bumps umpire>

Abbot: What am I putting on third?

Koshtello: <Take me out to the ballgame>What has always been on
           second.<Charge!>

Abbot: You don't want who on second?

Koshtello: <Cracker Jacks!>No.  If you put who on second, you will
           lose.  Who is on first.<Popcorn!>

Abbot: I don't know.

Koshtello: <practice swing>Third base!<points to bleachers>

Abbot: Look, you got an outfield?

Koshtello: <shags fly>Efficient.<hits the pickoff man>

Abbot: Oh, rapture!  An outfielder is just an outfielder, but a
        good shortstop is a Cuban.

Koshtello: <snags one-hopper>Then the baserunners must scurry
           carefully.<throws to first>

Abbot: The left fielder's name?

Koshtello: <hits chopper>Why.<grounds out>

Abbott: I just thought I'd ask.

Koshtello: <hook slides>And so you know.<spikes baseman>

Abbot: Then tell me who's playing left field.

Koshtello: <bunts>And so it repeats.  Who is on first.<beats out
            single>

Abbott: Stay out of the infield!  I want to know what's the
        guy's name in left field.

Koshtello: <makes error>You seek understanding?  Then listen to
           the positions, not the names.  What is on second.<holds
           runner>

Abbot: That sound that you hear is just the grinding of my teeth
        like tectonic plates.  I'm not asking you who's on second.

Koshtello: <strikes out>Disobedient!  Who is on first!<balks>

Abbott: I don't know.

Together: Third base!

Abbot: Let's try again.  The left fielder's name?

Koshtello: <fielder's choice>Why.<catches cutoff throw>

Abbot: Because!

Koshtello: <beans batter>Centerfield.<steals second>

Abbot: The pitcher's name?

Koshtello: <pickoff play>Tomorrow.<double steal>

Abbot: You don't want to tell me now?

Koshtello: <squeeze play>I *am* telling you.<wild pitch>

Abbott: Then tell me.

Koshtello: <new ball>Tomorrow.<rain delay>

Abbot: What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's
        pitching?

Koshtello: <pinch hits>Incorrect!  Who is not pitching.
           <intentional walk>

Abbott: I'll break your encounter suit if you say who's on
        first!  I want to know what's the pitcher's name?

Koshtello: <Hey, batter!>What is on second.<No stick!>

Abbot: I don't know.

Together: Third base!

Abbot: Forget it.  The catcher's name?

Koshtello: <foul tip>Today.<breaks bat>

Abbot: Ok, let me try something else.  I caught on the
        seminary team.

Koshtello: <curve>Good.<fastball>

Abbot: You said something nice about me!  I must write this down
        in my diary!  So if I play and the batter  bunts, I pick
        up the ball and throw it to who?

Koshtello: <changeup>Yes.  You begin to understand.<knuckleball>

Abbot: I don't even know what I'm talking about!  Someone must
        have spray-painted the word "IDIOT" on my back again.

Koshtello: <slider>Good.<spitball>

Abbot: I don't give a damn!

Koshtello: <charges mound>What?<ejected from game>

Abbot: I said I don't give a damn.

Koshtello: <steals home>Shortstop.  You are not yet ready for
           the roster.  Leave this place.  It is not for you.
           Go.  Now.<butt slap>

Theo wanders off to examine the practice schedule sign:

        Batting practice: the hour of long-balling
        Fielding practice: the hour of scampering

The third base coach, who is the spitting image of Ty Cobb, comes
over and begins to speak:

"The Vorlons called me up because they wanted to understand 'inside'
baseball.  I don't know how much help I've been.  Vorlon baseball...
*is*.  The pitchers are control specialists and the pitches look
like what they want you to see.  When they hit a home run, the ball
becomes a nonlocalized phenomenon.  They have taught me to play
against legends.  Some things have been easy; they quickly grasped
that some of us must sacrifice if all of us are to score.  Other
things have been nearly impossible; I can't teach them to slide
effectively, or even run fast.  They keep telling me, 'What is speed
compared to the basepath?'  What the hell does that mean?"

larry crawford
ypenjsbe@jvggraoret.rqh