MacGyver's Chocolate Chip Cookies (fwd)

This is a bit long, but hey, it is shorter than actually watching an
episode.
  -keith

> The MacGyver Cookbook
> 
> Well, folks, here it is. I didn't have time to cook this stuff
> myself for you the way Paul Newman does, so I just wrote up this
> cookbook to give you all the recipes, tried and true just like I
> make 'em in my own kitchen at home.
> 
> CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES:
> 
>  Frequent flier coupons
>  One medium paperclip (not plastic coated)
>  One movie ticket stub
> 
> Now remember that chocolate-chip cookies are supposed to be a nice
> relaxing kind of food, so the first thing you'll want to do to make
> them is to go somewhere where you can kick back and relax. Ecuador
> is good, so use your frequent-flier coupons to pick up a round-trip
> ticket there. The stewardess will hand you a couple of bags of
> peanuts, but don't eat them, since we're going to need those for the
> cookies.
> 
> You'll find yourself sitting next to an attractive woman who teaches
> archaeology at Cornell; she'll explain that she's going to Ecuador
> to try to find her father -- a biochemist by trade, but he dabbles
> in archaeology as a hobby -- who went down there to find the lost
> pyramid of Sesquichachloride, well known in archaeological circles
> as the fabled storehouse of the god Valhequesal who, according to
> myth, rode down from the skies on a pillar of fire bringing with him
> a wealth of powerful but somewhat failure-prone magical devices
> that, according to the priests of the day, were pretty darn
> all-around nifty.
> 
> Now her father, after examining several stone tablets depicting the
> god Valhequesal, discovered that he is always shown wearing a
> curious bracelet on his left wrist that looks surprisingly like a
> digital watch, leading him to the conclusion that Valhequesal did
> actually exist, but he was really an advanced space traveller with
> comparatively poor taste in accessories, and that the lost pyramid
> of Sesquichachloride must contain his spacecraft and untold other
> devices from his world. About this time, the stewardess will bring
> by the main meal and you'll want to be sure to save the little
> packets of salt and butter that come with your meal -- the woman
> next to you will be too worried about her father to eat and so
> you'll want to take her packet of butter and go ahead and keep her
> crackers too.
> 
> When you get off the plane in Ecuador, just go out to the front of
> the airport and try to locate a cab. There won't be any, for some
> reason, so you'll go inside to inquire about where transportation
> might be found and some guy will stumble against you and when you
> look at him, you'll notice that he's been stabbed in the left side
> and is bleeding pretty profusely. With a weakly shaking hand, he'll
> thrust the key to a safety deposit box into your hand, gasp
> something about "be careful of the poison ivy" and expire messily on
> the floor of the terminal. You'll decide that maybe waiting for a
> cab is the better part of valor and head back outside -- on the way,
> though, be sure to stop at the concession stand and ask for a
> half-pound of chocolate chips. The clerk will measure the
> appropriate amount and put it in a bag for you. Be sure your movie
> ticket stub is visible in the handful of change you pull from your
> pocket to pay her. She'll reach down under the counter and then
> surreptitiously drop a roll of microfilm into your bag along with
> the chocolate chips, then hand you the bag, saying, "On the house."
> 
> At this point, speed is of the essence -- get back outside the
> concourse before a swarthy man with a mustache strides up to the
> snack shop holding a movie ticket stub. Moments later he and the
> clerk will run out the door looking for you, just as the woman who
> sat next to you on the plane drives up in her rental car and offers
> you a lift. Cheerfully accept, and hop in before the man with the
> mustache disconnects the safety on his gun. If all goes well,
> you'll both be out of the parking lot and on your way before he has
> time to squeeze off more than one shot -- and he'll miss on the
> first one anyway and the woman driving the car will think it was
> just another vehicle backfiring. She'll be kind enough to offer to
> let you stay in her hotel room, but she'll need to stop off at the
> bank first to take care of a little business. While she's talking
> with the bank representative, you casually wander back to the safety
> deposit boxes and open the one that matches the key. In it, you'll
> find a fair-sized paper bag containing bags of flour, sugar, baking
> soda and a large bottle of calamine lotion; take this along with
> the folded piece of paper lining the bottom of the safety deposit
> box. Go back to the lobby just as she's getting ready to leave.
> 
> Once the two of you get back into the car and start driving, unfold
> the piece of paper -- it's a map leading to somewhere deep in the
> Ecuadorian jungle. Look more closely at it just as your companion
> notices the map, gasps, nearly runs the car off the road, and
> exclaims "That's my father's handwriting!" From this point on, it's
> pretty straightforward -- just trek through the jungle with her for
> a few days, evade the occasional drug lord and that guy with the
> mustache, locate the hidden temple and descend down a long pole into
> its depths, and locate the treasure room.
> 
> There'll be a large golden idol in the northwest corner with huge
> rubies for eyes, a golden bowl in his lap, and a bird's nest on his
> head. Put the butter from the plane into the bowl and stir until
> softened. Get the gold cup to the left of the idol and add two
> cupfuls of sugar to the butter, stir until creamed. And two eggs
> from the next, one swiss army knife spoonful of baking soda and
> two-and-a-half cups of flour, being sure to remove the large plastic
> bag of cocaine that was hidden in the bag of flour first. Mix well,
> add the peanuts from the flight and the chocolate chips from the
> bag, pocketing the microfilmed list of drug contacts first, and
> place by swiss army knife spoonfuls onto the silver tray propped up
> against the back of the idol.
> 
> Once the cookie batter is on the tray, your companion will ask to
> lick the bowl, but in doing so will bump against the gold torch held
> in the idol's right hand and there will be a low grinding sound as
> the stone block that forms the doorway to the drug smugglers' lab
> slides out of the way and you'll see her father chained to a lab
> table being forced to refine drugs for the smugglers. While they're
> having a beautiful and happy reunion, pick up a strange device from
> the outer room and bring it into the lab where there's better light
> for a closer inspection. Be sure to bring the cookie sheet too and
> set them next to each other on the lab table. Your companion and
> her father will be trying to figure out how to get him unchained
> while you note that the device in question is clearly of
> extraterrestrial manufacture and appears to be some sort of highly
> powerful laser cutting device -- except that it shows signs of being
> dropped, breaking the actuator wire and misaligning the front
> partial mirror.
> 
> Tell them to be quiet for a moment as you use the fish scaling blade
> from your swiss army knife to realign the partial mirror to one
> quarter wave and then unfold the paperclip, using it to reconnect
> the high-voltage trigger to the laser firing mechanism. Have him
> stand back while you use the high-powered laser to cut through the
> chain holding him to the table and, incidentally, the wall on the
> other side of the room, alerting the drug smugglers to your
> presence. They'll burst into the room and one will fire a pistol at
> you, missing you but hitting the laser, forcing it permanently on
> and cracking the rear reflector, bathing the area -- the cookies in
> particular -- with high-energy radiation. Now get chased around the
> interior of the temple for a while and, just after the second brief
> romantic moment where you kiss her and think, "Gosh, for someone
> who's been running around the Equadorian jungle for nearly a week,
> her hair's not greasy at all," the cookies should be done.
> 
> Run back through the drug lab, grab the cookie sheet, noting that
> the cooling system for the laser has failed and it's about to
> explode, and run to the outer room where the three of you scale the
> pole with the bad guys in hot pursuit. By the time you reach the
> top of the pole, the bad guys will be halfway up it already, so
> uncap the bottle of calamine lotion and pour it onto the pole,
> causing them to fall back into the temple as you and your companions
> escape into the jungle depths just moments before the entire secret
> temple explodes, destroying the drug smuggling operation along with
> all the extraterrestrial artifacts.
> 
> By now the cookies should be cool enough to eat. Enjoy. Your
> companions will have a few too, wistfully sighing over the loss of
> so much knowledge so senselessly, as you take another cookie and
> notice that the metal sheet you baked them on has etched onto it the
> plans for what appear to be some sort of space drive.
> 
> Anyway, this is the best chocolate-chip cookie recipe I've ever
> tried -- I've made it dozens of times and haven't had a single bad
> batch yet.