Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"

Okay, so it's Friday afternoon and my amusement threshold is very low...

>      The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"
> 
> 15> New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.
> 
> 14> He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene
>     Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely.
> 
> 13> Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the
>     knee with a light saber.
> 
> 12> Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use
>     the Fifth, Luke."
> 
> 11> The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut.
> 
> 10> Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.
> 
>  9> C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny brass ass.
> 
>  8> Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.
> 
>  7> New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has to pee.
> 
>  6> Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"
> 
>  5> Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his name.
> 
>  4> During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's special attachment.
> 
>  3> Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.
> 
>  2> The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star?  Richard Jewell.
> 
>     and the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"...
> 
>  1> Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene
>     none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.