Fwd: How To Install Software (fwd)

For the computer geek in all of us...

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     "How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program"
     by Dave Barry from his new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace")

     1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box
     that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the
     software.

        It should look something like this:

             SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS:

           2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
           628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
           719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
           3546 MB RAM
           432323 MB ROM
           05948737 MB RPM
           ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
           2 TURTLE DOVES

        NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

     2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will
     contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and
     troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

     3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
     3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope
     that says:

                           LICENSING AGREEMENT:

        By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all
        the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody
        ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter
        and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order
        of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and
        imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and
        appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and
        examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear
        drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us
        part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light,...finders
        keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and
        don't forget to  tip your servers.

     4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of
     child), please install this on my computer."

     5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
     appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

     6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

     7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

     8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which
     the following message should appear on your screen:

        The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what
        would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you?
        Choose one, and be honest:

                   +-------+      +--------+
                   |  YES  |      |  SURE  |
                   +-------+      +--------+

     9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring
     for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what
     in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular
     structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been
     transformed  into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At
     the very least, the installation program will create many new
     directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive
     and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like
     "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."

     10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
     display the following message:

               CONGRATULATIONS

        The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to
        your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your
        software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks,
        insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal
        parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&

     11. At this point your computer system should become less functional
     than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with
     furniture.

     12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the
     package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to
     you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3
     through 12.