scientific warnings

>From AIR 33.1:

********Scientific Warning Labels*******************

WARNING:  This product warps space and time in its vicinity.

WARNING:  This product attracts every other piece of matter in the
universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force
proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the
distance between them.

CAUTION:  The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85
million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE:  This product contains minute electrically
charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million
miles per hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE:  Because of the Uncertainty Principle, it is impossible
for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this
product is and how fast it is moving.

ADVISORY:  There is an extremely small but non-zero chance that, through a
process known as "tunneling," this product may spontaneously disappear from
its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe,
including your neighbor's domicile.  The manufacturer will not be
responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE:  According to certain suggested version
of a Grand Unified Theory, the primary particles constituting this product
may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT:  In the unlikely event that this merchandise
would contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW:  Any use of this product in any manner
whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe.  Although
no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process
will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe.

NOTE:  The most fundamental particles in this product are held together by
a "gluing" force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive
power can therefore not be permanently guaranteed.

ATTENTION:  Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the
consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of
99.99999999% empty space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER:  The manufacturer may technically be
entitled to claim that this product is ten-dimensional.  However, the
consumer is reminded that this confers no legal rights above and beyond
those applicable to three-dimensional objects, since the seven new
dimensions are "rolled up" into such a small "volume" that they cannot be
detected.

PLEASE NOTE:  Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer
is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or will exist
only in a vague and undermined state.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE:  The subatomic particles (electrons, protons,
etc.) comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable
respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim
to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.

HEALTH WARNING:  Care should be taken when lifting this product, since its
mass, and thus its weight, is dependent on its velocity relative to the
user.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS:  The entire physical universe, including
this product, may one day collapse back into and infinitesimally small
space.  Should another universe subsequently emerge, the existence of this
product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.

-- Journal of Irreproducable Results (36.1)
   by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky