Another mass suicide...

forwarded from somewhere... sorry Nathan :-)

	NASHUA, N.H. (AP) -- Acting on an anonymous tip, authorities today
responded immediately and converged on Digital Equipment Corporation's
"Spitbrook Road" site, only to make the gruesome discovery of yet another
mass suicide of computer programmers, this time on an even grander scale.
"This is horrible - absolutely mind-boggling," said one official at the scene.
Initial estimates are that several hundred computer programmers are feared
dead.
	With two mass suicides of computer programmers just hours apart,
officials searched for a pattern. Connections to the mass suicide in San Diego
county have not been ruled out. The FBI has already begun background
investigations of the individuals to determine any religious cult affiliations
and is looking for evidence of celibacy as well as other signs. Initial
autopsies revealed that none of these individuals had had sex for many years!
	When asked to describe the scene they uncovered when first entering
the Spitbrook Road facility, a spokesman described it as surreal. Like the
situation in San Diego, there were bodies strewn everywhere. The individuals
were all quite odd-looking. Many had ponytails and earrings, and the genders
weren't immediately obvious. Most were dressed very casually, wearing T-shirts,
ripped bluejeans, and even sandals with socks underneath. Some were displaying
pink and purple triangles on their clothing, but it's not yet known if thi..
is related to the black, triangular masks worn by the victims in San Diego..
Two individuals weighing at least 400-500 pounds each were even found in the
freight elevator. Very odd.
	There were noticable differences to the San Diego scene. Although the
cause of death here in Nashua is still unknown, the victims apparently had
enough time to scribble some last words down on paper before they died, sort
of makeshift suicide notes. These notes were found alongside a number of the
bodies. These notes should provide strong clues as to what caused such a large
group of people to take their own lives. Officials have granted permission to
print the contents of a few such notes:
 
o "Year 2000 - Should have known"
 
o "Tired of being celibate - Need a woman bad"
 
o "My code's so full of bugs - Should have done this long ago"
 
o "Whatever it takes!"
 
o "Always remember - OpenVMS for ultra-high availability"
 
	Officials believe these computer programmers may have had MANY reasons
to take their own lives. It only took a small catalyst to push them all over
the edge. Whereas postal workers react to stress by lashing out and gunning
down innocent bystanders, computer programmers tend to be more introverted,
blaming themselves for all the world's woes. It's a struggle for many of them,
each day, to wake up, look in the mirror, and not kill themselves.
	When reached for comment, Bob Palmer, CEO and President of Digital
Equipment Corporation, was initially puzzled, not realizing there was a
facility in Nashua. He quickly regained his composure, stating, "This is
consistent with our corporate 1-3-9 strategy and shows our commitment to the
customer and steadfast determination to achieve excellence in all that we do.
These software people gave their lives for the company and our customers. I'm
not sure what they were doing here in, er, Nashua, but I'm sure it was
important work." When asked how the loss of so many bright software people
would affect the company, he replied, "Although the company has shown year to
year growth in margins and revenue, our expense in doing business has remained
too high and uncompetitive, requiring continued belt-tightening and the
occasional elimination of jobs. I certainly wouldn't want to encourage other
software people at Digital to take their own lives (wink!), but I do appreciate
the dedication of those who did to improve our bottom line this quarter. It
shows our employees are best-in-class and why they're our most valuable
resource." Reflecting further, Bob added, "This should have no effect on our
strategic alliance with Microsoft Corporation. Although some of our people are
in direct contact with individuals at Microsoft, I don't see any cause for
concern. I'll be in touch with Mr. Gates immediately to ensure that his people
are safe."
	Local software business in New Hampshire and Massachusetts do not seem
to share Bob's optimism and positive outlook on the situation. One analyst
said, "The local software companies, and there are a lot of them, depend on
the steady stream of solid engineering talent leaving Digital. I don't know
what they're going to do without this supply."
	At noontime on a weekday, the local pizza, Chinese, Thai, Indian,
and Japanese restaurants are all practically empty. "I just don't know what
we're going to do now," said one local merchant. "No one else would ever eat
this stuff."
	But apparently it's not all gloom and doom in the New England area.
A local 13-year-old boy seemed quite happy about the situation. "My response
time over the internet is really fast now! I usually can't even get into
the Pamela Anderson picture sites, but now I can download all the pictures
I want!"
	Apparently, some good can be found from all this afterall. However,
the affects on Digital, the local economy, and the local exotic food business
is just starting to be felt. And until we better understand what's causing
this bizarre phenomenon, could it spread to other software companies? What if
all computer programmers suddenly disappeared from the face of the earth?
What then?


-- 
-Chip Olson.
prb@unira.obfgba.zn.hf | prb@sgc.pbz | http://www-public.ftp.com/u/c/ceo