Commandments for Kids

>From: sevrq@cebtenzneg.pbz
>Date: Fri, 25 Apr 97 09:24:48 EST
>To: unapbpx@cebtenzneg.pbz, fzvgu_oy@cebtenzneg.pbz, fzvgu_pw@cebtenzneg.pbz,
>        znaavab@cebtenzneg.pbz
>Subject: Commandments for Kids
>
> Laws of Forbidden Places
> ------------------------
>
> Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods
> that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room.
>
> Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not
> in the living room.
>
> Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in
> the living room.
>
> Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of
> all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may
> eat, but not in the living room.
>
> Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may
> eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
>
> Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you
> may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein.
> Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of
> any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink.
>
> But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may
> you eat in the living room.
>
> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
>
> Laws When at Table
> ------------------
>
> And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater
> person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither
> raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an
> abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show,
> your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
>
> Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor
> fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will
> dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.
>
> When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do
> not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order
> to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.
>
> When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed,
> and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I
> say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the
> same to you.
>
> Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the
> table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your
> lips.  I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
>
> And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not
> with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is
> why.
>
> And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand
> them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.
>
> Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other,
> nor slide down until you are nearly slid away.  Heed me; for if you sit
> like that, your hair will go into the syrup.  And now behold, even as I
> have said, it has come to pass.
>
> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
>
> Laws Pertaining to Dessert
> --------------------------
>
> For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean,
> saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.
>
> But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of
> your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less
> than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you
> have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls
> eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.
>
> But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still
> you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes
> uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.
>
> And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a
> fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall
> into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.
>
> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
>
> On Screaming
> ------------
>
> Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are
> given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are
> touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you
> point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to
> you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server
> may correct the fault.
>
> Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal
> seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome
> to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though
> the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that
> sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your
> fingers to your nose.  For even not I have made the fish as it should be;
> behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.
>
> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
>
> Concerning Face and Hands
> -------------------------
>
> Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills,
> that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to
> the very back of your head, there is rice thereon. And in the breast pocket
> of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments
> are distributed in a manner wonderful to see.
>
> Only hold yourself still;  hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn
> for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they
> appear. What I do is as it must be;  and you shall not go hence until I
> have done.
>
> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
>
> Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
> --------------------------------------------
>
> Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath
> water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even
> if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any
> building; nor eat sand.
>
> Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict
> it with tape?  And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand
> between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor
> forget what I said about the tape.
>
> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
>
> Complaints and Lamentations
> ---------------------------
>
> O my children, you are disobedient. For when I tell you what you must do,
> you argue and dispute hotly even to the littlest detail; and when I do not
> accede, you cry out, and hit and kick. Yes, and even sometime do you spit,
> and shout "stupid-head" and other blasphemies, and hit and kick the wall
> and the molding thereof when you are sent to the corner.
>
> And though the law teaches that no one shall be sent to the corner for more
> minutes than he has years of age, yet I would leave you there all
> day, so mighty am I in anger.  But upon being sent to the corner you ask
> straight-away, "Can I come out?"  and I reply, "No, you may not come out."
> And again you ask, and again I give the same reply. But when you
> ask again a third time, then you may come out.
>
> Hear me, O my children, for the bills they kill me. I pay and pay again,
> even to the twelfth time in a year, and yet again they mount
> higher than before.
>
> For our health, that we may be covered, I give six hundred and twenty
> talents twelve times in a year; but even this covers not the fifteen
> hundred deductible for each member of the family within a calendar year.
>
> And yet for ordinary visits we still are not covered, nor for many
> medicines, nor for the teeth within our mouths.  Guess not at what rage
> is in my mind, for surely you cannot know.
>
> For I will come to you at the first of the month and at the fifteenth of
> the month with the bills and a great whining and moan. And when the month
> of taxes comes, I will decry the wrong and unfairness of it, and mourn with
> wine and ashtrays, and rend my receipts.
>
> And you shall remember that I am that I am: before, after, and until you
> are twenty-one.  Hear me then, and avoid me in my wrath, O Children of
> me.
>
>