cat ailments

(fwd)
>
>LITTLE KNOWN FELINE AILMENTS
>
>Having conquered cat flu, triumphed over tapeworm and braved behavioural
> quirks, it is time to focus attention on some oft-observed, but
> little-documented, afflictions of cats.
>
>COLLAPSIBLE LEGS
>Symptoms:	The affected cat places one side of its head on the ground as
> though cheek-marking the concrete, carpet etc.  After several such manoeuvres,
> the legs on that side of the cat suddenly collapse, leaving the cat waggling
> its feet in the air.
>Treatment:	This involves placing the palm of one hand on the exposed belly
> and rubbing gently.  There are side-effects though - some feline sufferers
> attack the rubbing hand while others recover spontaneously, often after
> prolonged treatment.  This condition is probably incurable and any cat which
> requires prolonged treatment after an attack will most liekly suffer repeated
> attacks of collapsible legs throughout its lifetime.
>
>SNUDGING
>Symptoms:	The affected cat repeatedly headbutts any available part of a
> readily available human and turns its head slightly so that the lips and cheek
> are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing etc.  This condition gets its name
> from a contraction of the phrase "soggy nudging".  Snudging may well be a form
> of excessive scent-marking.  A bad attack can result in soggy clothing.
>Treatment:	Give the sufferer lavish affection.  Most attacks subside
> between 10 minutes to 1 hour after onset of symptoms.  You may need to dry off
> snudged clothing or skin.  Attacks recur frequently, usually when the most
> readily available human is engrossed in a TV program, book or telephone call.
>
>BED-HOGGING
>Symptoms:	The cat spreads to take up all available free bed space at
> night.  It then expands a bit more until any human occupants occupy the
> smallest possible area of bed.  It may do this on top or underneath the covers
> or on the pillow.  It is highly contagious - any other cats on the bed will
> also develop symptoms of bed-hogging.
>Treatment:	The most obvious solution is to evict the cat from the bed.  If
> this is morally unfeasible, train yourself not to give way as the cat expands.
>  Buying a bigger bed is probably pointless as most affected cats can easily
> expand to fill standard, queen-sized and king-sized beds.  Otherwise, simply
> train yourself to sleep while hanging precariously off the side of the bed.
> Attacks of bed-hogging have been known to last up to 23 hours (in one case a
> 3-day attack was noted by a cat-owner who was confined to bed with flu; the
> cat thoughtfully kept her company during this time).
>
>NON-SPECIFIC INSECT INFESTATION
>(also NON-SPECIFIC SPIDER INFESTATION)
>
>Symptoms
>A disorder more prevalent among outdoor-going cats and cats with access to
> conservatories and garden rooms.  Symptoms range from minor (the odd greenfly
> in tail, money-spider on fur) to severe (entire ecosystems of insects living
> on cat, spider webs spun between ears/whiskers, cat so weighed down with
> spider webs that it has difficulty walking).
>
>Treatment
>Minor symptoms can be treated by simply removing the infesting agent (aphid,
> ladybug, spider etc) and combing wbs out of fur.  If the cat suffers recurrent
> or severe symptoms an exercise regime is highly recommended since highly
> mobile cats appear to attract fewer greenfly (research into this factor
> continues).
>
>FUFFLING
>
>Symptoms
>The cat lowers its nose into water and exhales.  This is followed by whiffling,
> spluttering, sneezing, snorting, head-shaking and a generally confused
> expression.  Bath-foam appears to trigger attacks of fuffling in some cats.
> It may also be linked to interesting items seen in the water e.g. goldfish,
> food-crumbs, greeblingz.  Fuffling is most common during kittenhood although
> even quite elderly may suffer an occasional bout.
>
>Treatment
>None.  Snorkelling apparatus or scuba suits are possibilities, but cats do not
> readily accept such treatment.  Kittenhood fuffling generally subsides as the
> cat grows older, possibly due to some acquired immunity (or greater common
> sense).
>
>IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME
>
>Symptoms
>The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps, instead treading,
> kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalising, getting up and turning
> around, falling off lap and getting back on again, attacking magazines,
> needlework, computer keyboard, telephone etc.
>
>Treatment
>Immediate treatment is essential.  Drop whatever you are doing (literally if
> need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer otherwise symptoms may
> escalate and become quite distressing to the lap-owner.  Only prolonged
> attention will cure an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome.  Like Collapsible
> Legs this syndrome is incurable, although attacks may be effectively treated
> as and when they occur.
>
>LAP FUNGUS DISORDER
>
>Symptoms
>Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds to spread in all planes.
> This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high volume purring,
> dribbling, kneading and snoring.  The condition is highly contagious and
> several fungoid cats may infest a lap simultaneously.
>
>Treatment
>Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is ineffective.  Prompt
> treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the worst
> symptoms although in a number of cats, such treatment actually aggravates the
> condition.  This disorder manifests itself periodically through the affected
> cats life and there is no long-term cure.
>
>SMURGLING
>
>Symptoms
>Varied:- sucking at clothing, owners earlobes/nose/fingers/skin, drooling,
> glazed expression.  Often accompanied by kneading and high volume purring.
>
>Treatment
>Ultimately incurable.  It is possible to remove smurglable items from around
> the cat.  The ailment may be transmitted to humans in the form of large
> laundry bills, mis-shapen clothing and chapped skin.
>
>GREEBLINGZ
>
>Symptoms
>Random dashes through to helter-skelter running through house in pursuit of
> unseen prey.  Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible entities and some
> authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel that they may be
> diminutive other-dimensional beings.  Cats suffering from greeblingz typically
> have wild-eyed expressions.  There is a minor danger of greeblingz attaching
> themselves to humans; if a cat tackles such greeblingz, injury to humans may
> result.  A very few cats are naturally immune.
>
>Treatment
>None known.  Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition appears unrelated
> to other forms of seizure.  Avoid getting in the way of a cat engaged in
> greebling hunting.  Attacks usually subside spontaneously, perhaps as
> greeblingz return to their own dimension.  These irritating creatures are not
> visible to human eyes, but no doubt the superior sight and hearing of cats
> enables them to see them.
>------- End of forwarded message -------
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