State of the Union (fwd)

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Marc David Jimenez		Cohesive Network Systems
Consultant			zwvzrarm@pburfvir.pbz
				492-0020
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"Forward the Light Brigade!"
Was there a man dismayed?
Not tho' the soldiers knew
  Someone had blundered:
Theirs was not to make reply,
Theirs was not to reason why,
Theirs was but to do and die:
  Into the Valley of Death
   Rode the Six Hundred.

	-Alfred Lord Tennyson

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: 12 Mar 98 15:12:19 EST
From: "Lauren G. Wittenberg" <Ynhera.T.Jvggraoret@Qnegzbhgu.RQH>
To: npu4@cb.PJEH.Rqh, qnivqv@ravnp.frnf.hcraa.rqh, znaqryznaq@rfca.pbz,
    xjvggraoret@tfoynj.pbz, zwvzrarm@yrsgonax.pbz,
    zenzve8@vpnehf.pp.hvp.rqh, zryjfxv@fjoryy.arg,
    cwnivq@c.vznc.vgq.hzvpu.rqh, erorppn.fpuynatre@rl.pbz, MFgrva13@nby.pbz
Subject: State of the Union

OK, so this is a bit crude, but I think it gets the point across very well...


THE STATE OF THE UNION THAT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN...

 Members of Congress, people of America, I banged her. Banged
her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because Monica
never played the flute solo in my libidinal orchestra. The only
babes in D.C. I haven't tried to diddle are Hillary, Albright, and 
Shalala, mostly because they're evil and have legs that look like
they came off a Bosendorfer 16-foot concert grand.

Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary. I do. If not
for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into
farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the
President.  So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid
FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean
wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to
Webster, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and
made pocket pinball the game of choice in the Oval Office. Got it?
Good.

Six years ago, there was not a man, woman, or child who didn't
know I was a 10th degree horndog. But, you elected Mr. Fellatio
president, anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your
part.  Your other choice was Bush, an aging yuppie moron who thought
he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was
Reagan who left office with the same Alzheimer's he came with.
There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime
interest rate, smiling the whole time, like the idiot savant he is. Nixon
before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible
deniability,' and got a one-way First Class ticket to San Clemente and
several decent book deals. Johnson was an inbred power-mad war
criminal. And John Kennedy, who took more than a few shake breaks 
himself behind closed doors, didn't hang around long enough for America
to spot that curious atavistic inclination for beaver-wrestling shared by
at least a dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings me
back to me, and the point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here,
government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced - first time 
since my sausage-mate, JFK, did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the
press didn't seem to notice, mostly because they weren't looking.
Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a 
night-watchman. And, the stock market is higher than a D-student 
on a full gram of dummy-dust, and anyone with a degree from a 
junior college who can spell 'software' has enough money
to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of
where the next meal is coming from.

Bottom line: I'm running a government here, not a dating school, and
I've done it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your
support, not a date with your daughter, unless, of course, she's a
babe with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime,
think about where you are today, what kind of life you're living,
and before you get too interested in which way my dong points, ask
yourselves this question, 'Just what was it you hired me to do?'"