HUMOR: If I ever become a vampire...

The tone is a lot like the Evil Overlord list that went around a while
ago.  I wonder if it's the same author...  Unfortunately, this was
forwarded to me with no attribution.

I just wish they had added a couple with a "Buffy" connection.
(Although there are a couple which could apply pretty well to "Forever
Knight"...)
  -keith

> If I Ever Become a Vampire:
> 
> 1. I shall wear tweed, and cheerful bright clothing. Further, I
> shall only wear trenchcoats if it is raining or foggy.
> 
> 2. I will not take my victims home. My neighbors are far too nosy.
> 
> 3. I will be secure in my immortality. I do not have to share my
> story with any reporter or struggling writer.
> 
> 4. I will not purchase an expensive foreign sports car or
> motorcycle. An economical, multi-terrain vehicle with 4 wheel drive
> will be just fine.
> 
> 5. I will immediately become Agnostic, disarming any cross-wielding
> religious maniacs.
> 
> 6. I shall not keep a coffin in the basement, that's the first place
> people look.
> 
> 7. I shall immediately purchase a Hooked on Phonics tape, in order
> to lose any Romanian accents I may have.
> 
> 8. My ghouls shall have good posture.
> 
> 9. I will purchase a digital watch with an alarm. I will set this
> alarm for TWO hours before sunrise, giving ample time for traffic
> and other inconveniences.
> 
> 10. If I feel truly alone, and need a companion to share all of
> eternity with, I shall purchase a dog. Preferably one that is not
> larger than I am.
> 
> 11. If the neighborhood kids are snooping around my house, I will
> not change into a giant wolf and attempt to destroy them. Instead, I
> shall call the police and have them arrested for trespassing.
> 
> 12. If I believe far too many people are becoming suspicious, I
> shall not attempt to kill them all. I will simply move, and leave no
> forwarding address.
> 
> 13. There is no logical reason for someone to mistake another human
> being for a fifteen-foot bat, not even in hysteria. Therefore, I
> shall refrain from such transformations in public.
> 
> 14. Artists are over-emotional and unstable. I shall not keep
> company with them whatsoever.
> 
> 15. I will not attend gatherings of my own kind. If I'm a lethal
> killing machine, doomed for all eternity to destroy those around me,
> they probably are too.