FW: Merger Humor (fwd)

Assuming y'all have at least some passing knowledge of the unprecedented
mergers going on in the business world (e.g. NationsBanc and BankAmerica,
Citicorp, etc.)



---------- Forwarded message ----------
>>Subject: FW: Recent  M&A  Activity
>>
>> NEW YORK, April 20 (AP) -- In a move that rocked the Street 
>>today, Bert and Ernie announced that they had merged to form Bernie, a 
>>giant conglomeration of felt that will move them into the No. 2 spot, 
>>past Big Bird and just behind Barney.
>>
>> In recent years the two had lost sponsorship from the letter P 
>>and the number 5, and analysts say the merger will help solidify their 
>>market share. "This is a logical move for us," Bert said. "'Share' is 
>>our favorite word.
>> --
>> CONCORD, N.H., May 14 (Reuters) -- Continuing the wave of
>> consolidation that saw Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia join to 
>>form Nationsouth, Vermont and New Hampshire signed a deal today that 
>>will combine the two into one state with the motto "Live Free or 
>>Whatever."
>> The deal involves a stock swap in which cows from Vermont and 
>>chickens from New Hampshire will be exchanged 1-for-1.
>>
>> BANGOR, Me., Aug. 22 (Bloomberg) -- Stephen King announced today 
>>that he had acquired Joyce Carol Oates in a deal that will allow him 
>>to increase production by as much as 125 percent, boosting his 
>>output to at least one novel a month.
>>
>> The new author, who will do business as Stephen, Joyce, King, 
>>Carol and Oates, will be one of the most violent and critically 
>>acclaimed novelists working today. Though Mr. King sells more books than 
>>Ms. Oates, analysts say the acquisition of the respected writer will 
>>help him make inroads into new markets, like college literature 
>>classes.
>>
>> "It's a win-win situation," Mr. King said in an exclusive 
>>interview with The New York Daily Newsday Times. "Joyce has the prestige 
>>I've been looking for and is one of the few writers who can keep up 
>>with my production schedule."
>>
>> An earlier deal in which Mr. King had hoped to buy Upjohn Inc. 
>>fell through when Mr. King was informed that the company was not John
>> Updike.
>> ---
>> WASHINGTON, Oct. 3 (UPI) -- In a deal that resonated in homes 
>>across the country, Cats announced today that it had completed a hostile
>> takeover of Dogs.
>> The new company, which Cats said will be called OnePet, will 
>>supplant the recently created Birdfishgroup as the world's largest 
>>supplier of home companion services.
>> ---
>> PARIS, Nov. 14 (Agence France-Presse) -- In what is thought to be 
>>the biggest merger of all time, Men and Women have agreed to join 
>>forces into one sex, to be called Humanicorp.
>> The details of the arrangement are still being hammered out, but 
>>early negotiations have Men taking breasts. Women have agreed in 
>>principle to watch ESPN but have refused to give up self-respect. There are
>>
>>also serious antitrust issues that will need to be resolved.
>> A spokesman for Men, Bob, said that Men had been trying for years 
>>to merge with Women and that this was the culmination of a long-held
>> dream for them. Women were unavailable for comment.
>> ---
>> ROME, May 30, 2305 (Religious News Service) -- After several eons 
>>of discord and competition for the souls of Humanicorp, God and 
>>Satan have decided to merge in a deal that will join heaven and hell.
>> "Some say I've made a deal with the Devil," said God, who 
>>appeared simultaneously on CNN, Fox News, the major networks and all 
>>radios and personal computers, as well as in the sky. "But I prefer to
>>think 
>>of this as two former adversaries setting aside differences for the 
>>good  of consumers."
>> Those close to the delicate negotiations said that God would be
>> chairman of the combined company and that Satan would hold the 
>>post of  president.
>> Merger talks broke off several centuries ago, in part because the
>> executives could not reach an agreement on who would run a combined
>>company.
>>
>> Reminded of his famous rebuff of God at that time, "Better to 
>>reign in hell than serve in heaven," Satan joked, "I take it back."
>>
>> Satan's old organization, whose name is Legion, does not plan any layoffs.
>>