Sick Beanie Humor

I'm forwarding a message from alt.slack because I laughed harder at this
than I had at anything else in a long while. I figured that there might be
some other sickos on here who, like me, find this to be hilarious (not for
his portrayal of his McDonald's nemesis, but for what he does with the
Beanies). Not nice, but I know how he feels...

Anyway, here it is...

---------- Forwarded message ----------
On 1 Jun 1998 13:14:00 -0500, in alt.slack furplay <shecynl@abivn.arg>
wrote:

I was getting a bit hungry last week, so since I had to drop off some
videos at the local Blockbuster ("Starship Troopers" and "Boogie
Nights", if you must know), I'd go and get some lunch at McDonalds. It
somewhat qualifies as a "food", at least until you get to dinner when
you can make up for it with some real nutrients.

As I approached, it seemed odd that there was more than the usual
number of morons going in there as well, along with a LOT of discarded
Happy Meal containers in the parking lot. I worried that it may be
"brat night", but noticed that the telltale sign of sprogs working up
a good lawsuit were abscent from the playground out front, so I
pressed on.

Anyways, as I was placing my order, this sweaty, fatassed she-freak
tries to shove herself in front of me, screaming at the top of her
lungs if they still had any of those pelican "Teeny Beany Babies" they
were plopping into Happy Meals. It was bad enough that the line was
extra long and extra slow because the McBots in the burger mines were
working franticly to fill all those HM orders for the rest of the
Beany-crazed herd.

I came close to wanting to grab this hippo and scream "GET OUT OF MY
FACE, YOU BEANY-BRAINED MORON!! *I* *AM* *HUNGRYYYYYY*!!!!" at the top
of my lungs, but Satan gave me a BETTER idea. Something with even MORE
devastating potential.

I looked towards the harried, humanoid shaped pimple-farm behind the
counter and asked how many of these Bobdammed pelicans they had left.

"Uh, about three", he said.

"Okay, I'd like to add THREE Happy Meals to my order, and make sure
they have those pelicans in there, OK?"

"Uh, Okay.......sure" he replied, catching onto why I would order that
many. It seemed to make him feel like he'd bring them to me on a
McSilver tray if they had one.

I gave Mrs. Jabba a bigassed smirk (ever see that part where the
Grinch grins from ear to ear?). She seemed so agast at the horror of
her NOT getting her precious fucking Teeny Beanies that I actually had
to make sure that when my order came up, she did'nt try to make a grab
for one of the Happy Meals and run for the door (I'm sure she would'nt
move very fast, but trying to stop THAT much mass may prove
hazardous).

Instead, she screamed a bit shitfit, demanded to speak with the
manager to make me GIVE HER those pelican Beanies (the head McManager
just simply told her that it was "first come, first serve", and it was
corporate policy). Realizing that she was as much of a loser as she
was fat, she claimed that McDonald's & I were in on a conspiracy and
swore that she was going to sue me and the McDonald's Corporation for
every thin dime we both have and that were NOT going to get away with
this, yatta-yatta-yatta, oink oink oink, moooooooo. Yeah, right.

So there I sat, munching away on my McFood (there was enough there on
the tray to even make the cow woman explode), with my little
droopy-ass pelican toys sitting in full view so that as the
Beany-morons left empty-handed, they'd see my treasure before them and
they would know despair ("IIIIIIIIIIII-got, your-Beeeeeeeeee-nies!
You-can-not, haaaaave-none! You-are-all-reeeeee-tards!"). A few of
them actually came up to my table as I was eating and offered real
money for them, but my evil was in full bloom that hour, and I had
other plans for these little effigies of mediahype and human
stupidity.

Before I departed (I was getting so full that I just ate the "meat"
patty in each HM and left the buns and fries untouched), I sliced off
the pelican heads and left each one perched on top of the straws of
the undrunk small drinks as a warning to those who try to fuck around
with MY personal space ever again (and used the ketchup packets to
have simulated congealed blood running down the straws and neck stumps
of the bodies, which I had placed in the uneaten buns). And to finish
this masterpiece, I took out a marker to make a little billboard out
of one of the HM boxes turned inside-out to write "BEANIES SUCK!!". It
looked like a diorama of Vlad Teppes' visit to McDonaldLand.

I wish I had a camera to photograph the table before I left, but I get
a feeling some of the workers may have done so before they cleared it
off. I'm sure it made their day after their harrowing shift in
Beanybrain Hell. I've got to ask them if they can make me print when I
go back there some day.

Sure, I may have wasted a lot of good food and passed up the chance to
make some moron money, but the chance to commit evil like this has NO
price tag.