x-files/teletubbies crossover

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh, great Oracle, who always knows where the remote is,
>
> What would an X-Files and Teletubbies crossover be like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Johnson Residence
} Middlevale, New Hampshire
} May 31, 8:07 am
}
} [A small child is watching television.  Suddenly, the child's face
} hardens, and he gets up.  He goes to the kitchen and gets a knife.  The
} child is seen pushing the door to a room open.  Moments later, screams
} are heard. Fade to black, cue X-Files intro.]
}
} [Mulder is showing Scully a file.  Scully looks mildly revolted.]
}
} Scully: You say a three year old child did this?
}
} Mulder: That's what the report said.
}
} Scully: Mulder, that's impossible.  Someone is clearly covering up a
} brutal murder by blaming an innocent and most likely traumatized child.
}
} Mulder:  I don't know about that, Scully.  I've got X-Files dating back
} to 1996 of these incidents occurring in England.
}
} Scully: I never heard about that.
}
} Mulder: They were kept quiet.  It seems the victims were mostly
} upper-class, and for the protection of those children involved, the
} media was lead to believe they were botched burglaries.  But it was the
} same thing every time - a kid is watching TV, and then all of a sudden
} goes insane and kills someone.  Now, I have a hunch about something.
} You stay here and maintain your confusion while I run around and get
} all the good action scenes.
}
} Scully: Wait, Mulder, where are you going?
}
} Mulder: To check out a hunch.
}
} Scully: You always say that.  Why won't you ever give me a straight
} answer?
}
} Mulder: Dramatic suspense.  Bye.
}
} [Mulder leaves.]
}
} Johnson Residence
} Middlevale, New Hampshire
} June 2, 2:34 pm
}
} [Mulder approaches the television with Generic Local Cop.]
}
} Mulder: You're sure no one changed the channel?
}
} Generic Local Cop: There's no reason why anyone would have.
}
} [Mulder turns on TV.  It comes on to channel 12.  Mulder looks pensive,
} then reaches for the TV Guide - Lance Henriksen is on the cover.
} Mulder flips through the TV Guide.]
}
} Mulder: What time of death did we say?
}
} Generic Local Cop: Sometime between 8:00 am and 9:00 am.
}
} Mulder:  The kid was watching something called Teletubbies.
}
} [Mulder's cell phone rings.]
}
} Mulder: Mulder.
}
} Scully: It's me.  I've been talking to the psychologist, and she says
} this kid seems normal.  The doctors did notice a weird growth on his
} head, though.
}
} Mulder: Weird how?
}
} Scully: Apparently it's some sort of antenna, growing from the middle
} of his head.  They can't explain it, and his health seems fine
} otherwise. Have you found anything?
}
} Mulder:  I'm not sure yet.  I'll meet you back at the office in a few
} hours.
}
} [Mulder hangs up.]
}
} [Back at the office, Mulder is showing Scully slides of Teletubbies.]
}
} Scully:  What the hell are those?
}
} Mulder: This is what the kid was watching just before killing his
} parents. They're Teletubbies.  It's a relatively new show here, but
} guess where it started airing in 1996?
}
} Scully: England?
}
} Mulder: Yup.  And the nannies of all of the children involved in the
} similar cases over there have confirmed that those kids watched the
} show regularly.
}
} Scully:  What's that coming out of their heads?
}
} Mulder: Each of the characters has a protrusion from the head.
}
} [Mulder shows the slide of a yellow Teletubby with a curled antenna.]
}
} Scully: That's what's growing out of the little boy's head!
}
} Mulder: That's Laa Laa.  Want to hear my theory?
}
} Scully:  I'm not sure.
}
} Mulder: I think this is a government conspiracy involving aliens.
}
} Scully: Big shocker.
}
} Mulder:  No, really.  This time they're letting these aliens disguise
} themselves as children's icons, while secretly brainwashing our young
} children to become their evil minions.
}
} Scully:  That doesn't explain why the kid is growing the antenna.
}
} Mulder:  It's a genetic agent triggered by subliminal psychosomatic
} stimuli.
}
} Scully:  How do they transfer the genetic agent in the first place?
}
} Mulder: Haven't you been watching the past few seasons?  They do it by
} crop dusting, vaccinations, and men in black suits.
}
} Scully:  Even if that were all true, why would they have the kids kill
} their parents?
}
} Mulder: To destroy the older generation faster and pave the way for
} hoards of mutant Teletubby kids who will take over the earth!
}
} Scully:  Oooookay.
}
} Mulder: Really!  It could happen!
}
} Cancer Man:  He's right, Scully.
}
} Mulder: You!
}
} Cancer Man: Indeed.
}
} Mulder: I thought you were dead!
}
} Cancer Man:  Duh.  I was guaranteed a part in the movie in my last
} contract.  They couldn't kill me off for real.
}
} Mulder: D'oh!
}
} Cancer Man: Indeed.  Anyhoo, now that you've figured out our plan, we
} have to destroy you once and for all.
}
} Scully:  Couldn't you just force us to run away from all the evidence
} and then you can conveniently have it stolen or destroyed?  That way we
} get to on, week after week, chasing your organization like blind rats
} in a maze, but never catching you?
}
} Cancer Man: Hmmmm....nah.  I'm sick of doing that.
}
} [Cancer Man pulls out a gun and blows the agents' heads off.]
}
} Cancer Man:  Well, that's that.  Now I'm off to a meeting with the
} Barney people.
}
} You owe the Oracle a plausible explanation as to how our favourite FBI
} duo come back to life in time to be in this summer's movie.  Note:
} secret tunnels and Navajos may not be used.