(Fwd) World Cup advice (fwd)

>
> World Cup Guidelines
>
> The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was
> compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the
> Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and
> Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very
> expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about.  It is
> intended as a guide for American travelers only.
>
> General Overview
>
> France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of
> Europe.  It is an important member of the world community, though not 
> nearly as important as it thinks.  It is bounded by Germany, Spain,
> Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence 
> and with not very good shopping.
>
> France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre
> and EuroDisney.  Among its contributions to western civilization are 
> champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine. 
>
> Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air
> conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent
> Mexican food.  One continuing exasperation for American visitors is
> that the people willfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak
> English if shouted at.  As in any foreign country, watch your change at
> all times.
>
> The People
>
> France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a
> great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no
> concept of standing patiently in line.  The French people are in
> general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and
> undisciplined; and those are their good points.
>
> Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess
> it from their behavior.  Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is
> common.  Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each
> other when they hand out medals.
>
> American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps
> and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition. 
>
> Safety
>
> In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised that,
> from time to time, it is invaded by Germany.  By tradition, the French 
> surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage
> of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock
> market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before. 
>
> A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has
> been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to
> flee to London.
>
> History
>
> France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages.  Other important
> historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques
> Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now
> an airport.
>
> Government
>
> The French form of government is democratic but noisy.  Elections are
> held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off.  For
> administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions,
> departments, districts' municipalities, cantons, communes, villages,
> cafes, booths, and floor tiles.
>
> Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though,
> confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are
> either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted,
> frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic
> bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains.
>
> According to the most current State Department intelligence, the
> President now is someone named Jacques.  Further information is not
> available at this time.
>
> Culture
>
> The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to
> see why.  All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie
> that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.  And nothing,
> of course, is more boring than a French novel. 
>
> Cuisine
>
> Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just
> a slug with a shell on its back.  Croissants, on the other hand, are
> excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this
> word.  In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at
> leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.
>
> Economy
>
> France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in
> Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all.  If they are
> not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they
> are on strike and blocking the roads with their lorries and tractors.
> France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, 
> are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber
> weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, 
> miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
>
> Public Holidays
>
> France has more holidays than any other nation in the world.  Among its 361
> national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16
> Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph
> as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile
> Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great
> and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days.  Other important holidays
> are National Nuclear Bomb Day January 12), the Feast of St. 
> Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).
>
> Conclusion
>
> France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a
> temperate climate.  In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't
> inhabited by French people.
>
> The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany. 
>
> A Word of Warning
>
> The consular services of the United States government are intended
> solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such
> as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event
> that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least
> the loss of a limb, report to the
> American Embassy between the hours of 5.l5 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday
> or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferent to
> your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something
> similarly useless.
>
> Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad.  Personally, we always take
> our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well.
>
> Thank you and good luck.




                              Cheers,
                                 Dave C

---------------------------------------------------------
David Corlette          znvygb:pbeyrggr@uhnec.uneineq.rqh
(617)495-5922           http://www-arp.harvard.edu