Who's on the stand?

Real transcript?  Urban legend?  Who knows?  Who cares?  Who's on first?

>> > -----------------------------------------------------------
>> > CLERK:   Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
>> > WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
>> > CLERK:   "That the evidence that I give..."
>> > WITNESS: That's right.
>> > CLERK:   Repeat it.
>> > WITNESS: "Repeat it".
>> > CLERK:   No!  Repeat what I said.
>> > WITNESS: What you said when?
>> > CLERK:   "That the evidence that I give..."
>> > WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
>> > CLERK:   "Shall be the truth and..."
>> > WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
>> > CLERK:   Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
>> > WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
>> > CLERK:   We can appreciate that.  Just repeat after me: "Shall be the
>> >          truth and..."
>> > WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
>> > CLERK:   Say: "Nothing...".
>> > WITNESS: Okay.
>> > (Witness remains silent.)
>> > CLERK:   No!  Don't say nothing.  Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
>> > WITNESS: Yes.
>> > CLERK:   Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
>> > WITNESS: Yes.
>> > CLERK:   Well?  Do so.
>> > WITNESS: You're confusing me.
>> > CLERK:   Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
>> > WITNESS: Is that all?
>> > CLERK:   Yes.
>> > WITNESS: Okay.  I understand.
>> > CLERK:   Then say it.
>> > WITNESS: What?
>> > CLERK:   "Nothing but the truth..."
>> > WITNESS: But I do!  That's just it.
>> > CLERK:   You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
>> > WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
>> > CLERK:   Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But",
>> >          "The", "Truth".
>> > WITNESS: What?  You mean, like, now?
>> > CLERK:   Yes!  Now.  Please.  Just say those four words.
>> > WITNESS: "Nothing.  But.  The.  Truth."
>> > CLERK:   Thank you.
>> > WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.
>> > -----------------------------------------------------------

Mark Amidon      (978) 555-1592  | "I was dreaming when I wrote this;
Agent of Chaos,                  |  forgive me if it goes astray."
Strange Attractor,               |    - next year's music virus
Proud Papa                       |    - Prince Rogers Nelson