PRE-RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT

		> >PRE-RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT

			> >>The party of the first part (herein referred
to as "she"), being of sound 	> mind and pretty good body, agrees to
the following with the party of  the 	> second part (herein referred
to as "him"): 
						> >>
			> >>1.      FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement
of said relationship 	> (colloquially referred to as the "first
date"), each party agrees to fully 	> disclose any current
girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre 	> religious beliefs,
phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political 	> affiliations,
or currently active relationships with anyone else that have 	> not
yet terminated.  Further, each party agrees to make known any 	>
deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers,
and/or 	> organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will
result in the 	> immediate termination of said relationship before it
has a chance to get 	> anywhere.
						> >>
			> >>2.      INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both
parties agree to hold the person  	> who arranged the liaison
(colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") 	> blameless in the event
that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or  	> "psycho
bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My
> Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione
in 	> "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho 	> bitch," see
Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal 	>
Attraction.")
						> >>
			> >>3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said
relationship proceed past the 	> first date, both parties mutually
agree to use the following terminology in 	> describing their said
"dating": For the first thirty (30) days, both parties 	> consent to say
they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any 	>
guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both
> parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by
third 	> parties as "an item."  Sixty (60) days following the
commencement of  the 	> first 	> date, either member may elect
to use the terms girl/boyfriend" or "lover"  	> and their mutual
acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple." Under no 	>
circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman, ""the
old 	> ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable. 

Furthermore, if both 	> members consent, this timetable may be sped
up; however, if either party 	> "gets too serious" and disregards this
schedule, the other party may 	> dissolve the relationship on the
grounds of "moving too fast" and may once 	> again be said to be
"on the market."
						> >>
			> >>4.      TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first
thirty (30) days, both parties 	> agree not to ask questions about the
other's whereabouts on weekends, 	> weeknights, or over long
holiday periods. No unreasonable 	> demands or expectations will
be made; both parties agree they have no 	> "rights" or "holds" on
the other's time.  Following the first six weeks or 	> forty-five
(45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" 	>
without explanation, the "wounded party" agrees to "give up." 
						> >>
			> >>5.      DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first
thirty (30) days, both members of  	> the couple agree to be overly
considerate of the other's work pressures, 	> schedules, and
business ambitions. All dates will be made at least 	> twenty-four
(24) hours in advance; there will be no running off in the 	> middle
of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend," and both parties
> agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their
vocabularies.  

	>  Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said
relationship 	> agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or
to arrange the 	> delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of
flowers.
Following the first 	> forty-five (45) days, both parties will return
to their normal 	> personalities.
						> >>
			> >>6.      TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed
that-respective gross income aside 	> "he" will pick up the tab at
all dinners, clubs, theaters, and
breakfasts 	> until: He considers her suitably impressed, he is
broke, or he says, "this 	> is ridiculous, you pay!"  Not included
in this agreement are meals ordered 	> from the bedroom, which are
subject to the availability of discretionary 	> funds on hand at the
time.
						> >>
			> >>7.      LIVING ARRANGEMENTS:  (occasionally
known as the "Why do I bother 	> to keep my own apartment?" codicil):
Should said relationship progress to 	> the point where the couple
spends more than four nights a week together, 	> every effort shall be
made to split the time between their respective 	> apartments.
Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence 	> the
lewd remarks of landlords, or 	> roommates.  Both will avoid having
their mothers call at 7:30 in the 	> morning. He agrees to "pick up
after himself" while in residence at her 	> apartment, including
washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting 	> with household
duties. By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to 	> keep
his apartment "a mess."
						> >>
			> >>8.      THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the
first three months, each member  	> of the couple agrees to hold
the other blameless in the
euphoric use of 	> phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why
don't we 	> start a family?" and-using archaic terminology -
"Let's get married." 
			> >>			> >>9.      THE "L"
WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree 	> not to
use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars,
> concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each
other. 	> Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the
other party 	> using the "G" word ... "Gone."
						> >>
			> >>10.     GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the
following will be grounds for 	> immediate termination and final
dissolution of said relationship: 	> Infidelity: Running off at any
time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend, 	> Ending any argument with the
sentence "My ex used to do that same thing";  	> Suggesting  -- no
matter how kindly - that the other member should seek 	> "help"; Ending
any argument with the phrase "My analyst thinks you are.." 
						> >>
			> >>11.     DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time
of breakup, each party 	> reserves the right to make the other feel
guilty by using one or all of the 	> following phrases: "You'll
never find anybody better"; "Nobody could ever 	> make you happy";
"I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me"; "My 	> analyst thinks
you are ..." (appropriate psychosis/neurosis goes here) 
						> >>
			> >>12.     MISCELLANEOUS: Both parties agree to
remain exclusive until such 	> time as the relationship appears to be
"on the rocks." Each party agrees to 	> give the other at least five
minutes notice before terminating said 	> relationship. At the
termination of said affair, both parties agree to be 	> mature and
return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door 	> keys,
and personal undergarments with all due haste through impartial
> intermediaries. Each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72)
hours 	> before engaging in sex with any of the other's friends. Both
parties agree 	> to refrain from slandering the other for a period of
at least seven days 	> (bedroom performance included), and further
consent to use 	> one of the following nebulous terms in the description
of the breakup: "The 	> timing wasn't right"  "He/she wanted more than
I could give" "He/she was too 	> involved in his/her career"  "He/she
decided to go back to his/her 	> lover/hometown/therapist"
						> >>
			> >>13.     ADDENDUM: After the initial
breakup-no matter what both parties agree to give the relationship "one
more shot."