State of the Union

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THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON *SHOULD*
  GIVE AFTER HIS GRAND JURY TESTIMONY:


"Members of Congress... people of America .... I banged her. I banged
her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think 
Monica
Lewinsky was the only flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been 
paying
attention. The only babes in D.C. I HAVEN'T tried to do are the First 
Lady, Reno,
Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like
and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. 
Which
isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice- water 
coursing through
her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and
she'd be married to the President.

So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files,
smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Chinese wing in the
White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the
Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that 
entered the
Oval Office. Got it? Good.

Six years ago, my fellow Americans, there was not a man, woman, or child
who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway,
which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was 
Bush,
an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called
"Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House.

Before him, it was former President Reagan, who left the office with the
same Alzheimer's he came in with, and the country with the biggest deficit
ever. Then there was former President Carter before him, who brought you 
a 17%
prime interest rate, smiling the whole time, like his lithium drip had 
just
kicked in.

Presodent Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the
concept of  'plausible deniability,' and got a one-way ticket to San 
Clemente
for his crackerjack style of governing.

Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution
to American society was Agent Orange.

And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around
long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for
"beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of this 
very White House.

Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo
here at the White House, government is doing more for less.  The budget is
balanced for the first time since JFK did his "one-gun salute" to 
Marilyn, a fact the
press didn't seem to care about, evidently.

Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a
night-watchman. The stock market is higher than a D-student on a full 
gram of dumb-dust,
and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'Internet' 
has
enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of
where his or her next meal is coming from.

Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker
out. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter 
...
unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, in which case I'd like 
to
discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what 
kind of
life you're living, before you get too interested in where I'm parking the
"Presidential limousine."

Thank you, and God bless America...
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