Microsoft Certified Dominator Exam

This was pulled off an Infoworld forum, and I thought it worth a
giggle.
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Subject: Help write the MSCD exam
Posted by: brycej
Date posted: Wed Nov  4 21:29:16 PST 1998

I have been given the task of writing the Microsoft Certified
Dominator exam. Can you help me come up with some more questions?

Here is my start:

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MSCD Exam
(Microsoft Certified Dominator Exam)

Which is the most important?

A. Control
B. Power
C. Money
D. Respect


Which comes first?

A. Extend
B. Embrace


"Integrate" means:

A. Cannot be separated from
B. Adds features to
C. Bundle
D. Whatever the h*ll MS wants it to


Which is the most important for success?

A. Innovation
B. Hard work
C. Borrowing good ideas
D. Marketing
E. An army of programmers


Microsoft products are cheaper:

A. in the long run
B. in the short run
C. as long as the DOJ is watching
D. because there is no longer any competition
     to compare prices to.


When a competitor is failing, the best course of action is to:

A. Ignore them
B. Buy them out
C. Bash them until they are completely dead
D. Negotiate as much out of them as possible, then
     give a little help.


When you are unable to solve a customer's technical problem,
the best course of action is:

A. Tell them to reinstall everything
B. Tell them to reboot
C. Blame the problem on a Lotus application
D. Sell them an upgrade


The best way to squash Java is to:

A. Ignore it
B. Embrace and corrupt it
C. Badmouth it
D. Put it's best features into VB


The best way to distract the press from a competitor's
new product is to:

A. Quickly put it's features into your own 
     product and claim it always had them
B. Release the next version of Windows
C. Alter Windows API's to make it run slower
D. Wear a dress to the press conference


The best way to stop Linux's popularity is to:

A. Ignore it
B. Release an MS version with proprietary API's
C. Buy out Red Hat
D. Put it's best features into Windows
E. Claim it's best features are already in Windows
F. Buy up all the Linux books 


The best way to take your mind off of pie-in-the-face
is to:

A. joke about it
B. spend more time dominating 
C. send out cronies to get even
D. crash Windows at a press-conference


The difference between beta software and the release
version is:

A. only the word "beta"
B. the release version has cuter icons
C. the release version averages only 1 lock-up per day
D. no difference


Domination is fun because:

A. you control all those who called you a 
     "geek" in high school
B. you no longer need social skills
C. better chicks
D. it is a basal reptilian emotion


Bill Gates is most like:

A. Thomas Edison
B. The Oil Barons
C. L. Ron Hubbard
D. Satan
E. God
F. The evil nerd who sat next to you in 7th grade


If a new product is not selling, you

A. Buy out the company that leads (FoxPro strategy)
B. Bundle it with Office (Access strategy)
C. Give it away for free (Browser strategy)
D. Reincarnate it somewhere else (Bob/paper-clip strategy)
E. Change the Windows API's to make competitor's
     product run slower (Netscape server strategy)
F. Threaten to withhold advertising to magazines
     giving bad reviews (no comment)
G. Buy out the magazines giving bad reviews


IBM's OS/2 lost the race because:

A. Windows was better
B. PC pre-load volume discounts
C. it was less compatible with DOS software
D. Lower hardware requirements
E. A secret bribe


Bill Gate's definition of a "vacation":

A. No new acquisitions for a week
B. No new markets to dominate
C. Using Linux on his desktop
D. No calls from the DOJ for a week


The best way to avoid antitrust lawsuits is to:

A. burn all memos and erase e-mail
B. deny all phone conversations about market threats
C. Slowly "integrate" everything into Windows
     at such a slow pace that nobody notices
D. Keep Apple with enough market share to not 
     qualify as a monopoly
E. Lobby congress
F. Breed Richard Nixon with IBM, and ask for advice


If it's not made by Microsoft, then:

A. it will be
B. it has not officially been invented yet
C. it must be reliable, yet cryptic


The only people who get rich from Microsoft 
besides Microsoft itself:

A. Hard-drive makers
B. Memory chip makers
C. Creator of "Dilbert" cartoon strip
D. NT systems administrators
E. Steve Jobs
F. Finger and hand doctors
G. Remote reboot device makers
H. Rolling Stones
I. All of the above

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OT:

Mark Andreson walks up to Jesus Christ and says, "Oh Jesus, please let
Netscape live. Have mercy on us."

Jesus then turns to Mark and says, "I am sorry, I am only the Son of
God, not Bill Gates."

-- 
    Martin Terman, Therapy and Behavioral Counseling for Troubled Computers. 
 Disclaimer: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but flames are just ignored
email: zsgrezna@npprff.qvtrk.pbz  home page: http://access.digex.net/~mfterman/
"Sig quotes are like bumper stickers, only without the same sense of relevance"