Programmers

One from some VERY old archives.....

>From ATHENA.MIT.EDU!belville  Mon Mar 19 11:12:06 1990 remote from garp
From: oryivyyr@NGURAN.ZVG.RQH
Date: Mon, 19 Mar 90 11:02:38 -0500
To: fvco@NGURAN.ZVG.RQH
Subject: "Real" Programmers - a few years old, but entertaining


		       Real programmers don't use 4GLs
		     (and they don't eat quiche either!)

Adapted by Mike Marotta, Special to Focus, a magazine for Data General users.


Computers attract all types of people today.  Easily 90 percent of those
enrolled in computer science or data processing don't belong there.  They've
enrolled in computer classes because they want to get a job and computing
seems like a growth industry.

This makes it difficult for project managers and other employers.  How can you
know whether that friendly smile and freshly polished pair of shoes is a real
programmer or someone who sat through enough classes to be given a piece of
paper?

Fortunately, there are some clues as to who makes a good programmer.  It is
important to keep in mind that as our culture changes, the visible attributes
of a good programmer also change.  When I got started in programming, real
programmers wrote in assembler and ate Szechuan food.  Today there are new
standards.

First of all, real programmers don't work for money.  This has two effects.
You hire them at either the high or low end of the pay scale.

At the high end you'll find the type whose self-confidence was honed when, as
teenagers, they built synthesizers or wrote Apple programs to simulate the
space shuttle.  They ask for top dollar and settle for nothing less.  They
know what they're worth and they know they'll spend many long hours on a
project to see it through.

On the other hand, some real programmers are so oblivious to the physical
world that $14,000 a year sounds like good pay.

Anyone who haggles over salary is a business management major who wants to
become manager of MIS as a stepping-stone to chairman of the board.

Ask your potential programmers what name they want for their account.  If they
say their last name is fine, forget it.  Real programmers always log in with
handles like "Scorpio," "Wizard," or "Zorog."

Another way to sort the goats from the sheep is to offer a choice of company
credit cards.  Business management types always fall for the VISA card.  Real
programmers want an MCI card so they can cut the cost of hacking at home.

Real programmers know where to buy junk food at all hours.  Bear in mind that
some real programmers are health food freaks.  Ask discreet questions about
diet.  Anyone who thinks a balanced meal consists of roast beef, mashed
potatoes with gravy, and salad and dessert is _not_ a real programmer.

Five years ago, Pascal was a weenie language and BASIC was for kids.  Today,
this is not necessarily true.  While you should always hire someone who likes
assembler because it's powerful, don't rule out candidates who use Pascal and
BASIC as well.  Also, be on the lookout for those who prefer LISP, C, FORTH,
or APL.  As in the past, however, you can always scratch anyone who thinks
highly of COBOL or RPG.  Never hire anyone who likes fourth generation
languages.

Another trap you can set is to tell the potential new-hire that your company
is planning to install some interactive role-playing games.  The real
programmer will opt for Adventure; business managers on their way to the top
like Hamurabi.

Real programmers play video games.  Fake programmers don't.  This is a
hard-and-fast rule.  The best programmers you can hire will be hot stuff at
Defender and Marble Madness.

Always ask candidates what working hours they prefer.  Anyone who specifies
daylight hours hasn't written more than 30 lines of code at one time.  Real
programmers still work around the clock.  If a new-hire asks for a 9-to-5
shift, verify that they mean 9 pm to 5 am.

Discussing politics with a potential programmer is a delicate situation, but
can usually be handled over lunch.  Start the conversation by making a bland,
favorable remark about a leading (and well-liked) state or local government
official.  The candidate who makes a vaguely favorable remark matching yours
is a manipulative politician.  Real programmers are either libertarians or
communists.

When you get back to the office, show the prospective programmer the working
areas.  Offer a choice.  In one cubicle put an IBM PC with a hard drive, a
couple of floppies, and a printer.  In the other put a TRS-80 Model I attached
by a tangle of wires to 50 percent of the guts of an Apple, a Wang eight-inch
floppy drive, a 30-year-old IBM full-line printer, and an A-J acoustic coupler
modem.  The real programmer will sit down in the second cubicle and ask for a
cup of coffee.

Likewise, a real programmer will never own an IBM PC.

Generally, real programmers never finish college, although some do achieve
this feat.  Overall, the real programmer has taken only two classes in
programming and learned the rest at home on a personal computer.

When hiring a programmer for a scientific or engineering project, it can be
very hard to differentiate between the science nerd and the computer nerd, but
there are some touchstones.

A real programmer will always choose to reinvent the wheel.  Given a choice
between developing an algorithm for solving the N-Body problem or producing a
graphic output for a satellite in orbit around the earth, a real programmer
will always choose the latter.  Ask your candidate to discuss the physical
chemistry of cellular respiration.  Then ask about the Romulan cloaking
device.  A real programmer knows far more about the latter than the former.

There is one absolutely fail-safe way to test programmer authenticity.  As you
leave the candidate at the door, mention that your firm has an old Nova for
sale.  A real programmer will want to see the machine immediately.  Watch out
for anyone who asks for its market value.

-------------------------
Adapted from "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal" from Datamation's
July '83 Readers Forum by Ed Post of Wilsonville Oregon.