europhobe humor for everyone!

Truly, now everyone can be insulted.

===

 EURO SOPHISTICATES LAUGH AT PRUDISH AMERICANS
 While the Lewinsky scandal continues to rage on the front of
 American newspapers, a much different reaction has developed on this side
of the Atlantic. To world-wise, sophisticated Europeans, the spectacle
 is a curious sideshow and another reason to mock and disdain the
 Puritan morals of their American counterparts.
 
 
 "You feelthy Americans, you make me seek," says sneering French
 graduate student Serge Tati, 47, expressing a common sentiment.
 Fashionably clad in a horizontally striped t-shirt and skin-tight
 Speedo. He was recently relaxing on the Lido with his mistress
 Yvette LaFleur, 43.  Like thousands of fellow French graduate students,
he was enjoying his annual 28-week vacation.
 
 
 "Beel Clinton, he is Euro, no? He eez moderne, he eez now.  He has
 joie de vivre. He ravages zee young geerls. In my country, we geeve
 heem a medal, no?" asks Tati, deeply drawing on a clove cigarette.
 
 
 "Oui, like Jerry Lewees," adds the topless LaFleur, carefully
 combing her leg hair. "And yet you treat heem like a common creeminal,"
 noted Tati. "Ptui! You I speet on you, pheelistine American peegs! Wiss
 your 'amburgairs and tailfins and your soap!  Ha-ha, we laugh at you!" he
added, shaking his pinched fingers in a Euro-expression of disgust.
 
 
 The interview abruptly ended when a nearby sunbather was angered
 after being slapped by one of Tati's errant hand gestures. Tati and
 the sunbather proceeded to engage in a furious kicking and slapping
 fight, before fleeing in terror after spotting a German tourist.
 
 
 At EuroDisney in Fontainbleu, many visitors were likewise perplexed
 by Americans' scandal obsession. "Mitterand, he eez to having many
 affairs, no? We adore heem as a god," explains Jacqueline
 Robspierre, 28, an adverb specialist at the French Ministry of Language
Purity. "You puny insignificant Americans, you treat Beel Clinton as eef
he were a mere mortal."
 
 
 Herve Souci agrees.  Like thousands of other EuroDisney workers.
 Souci, 39, is on strike demanding government designation as an
 'artiste,' which, if granted, will translate into a 47 week annual
 vacation.  "Zee American -how you say?--right-wingair, he eez blind.
 He cannot see zee simple beauty of Beel Clinton, of zee Jean-Luc
 Goddard feelm, of zee European football," says Souci, removing the
 head of his Mickey Mouse costume for a drink of wine. "Merde! How I
 pity and despise you," he adds, pausing to kick two children
 attempting to cross the picket line.
 
 
 Across the English Channel and long accustomed to their own lurid
 sex scandals, Britons appear to find the Lewinsky affair somewhat
 boring.
 At the Dog and Queen, a picturesque pub in London's Mayfair section,
 a group of locals discusses the scandal over a traditional lunch of
 boiled sheep pancreas, bitter spleen pie, rancid chocolate and warm
 beer.  "We do have a 'special relationship' with you Yanks, but I
 must say you have gone a bit starkers over this Lewinsky business,"
 laughs Nigel Ealing, 32, a quality reduction engineer at Jaguar.
 
 
 "It positively reminds one of your obsession with plumbing,
 dentistry and shampoo." Collin Framinghampton-Smythe, an unemployed
soccer hooligan for Manchester United, agreed. "Bloody 'ell, you 'aven't
 got a single snapshot of 'er knickers."
 
 
 "Shut your bloody gob, ye wee bastard," added his friend Derek
 Hobson, playfully smashing a pint glass into Framinghampton-
 Smythe's face,dislodging four of his remaining teeth before vomiting on
the snooker table.
 
 
 In Amsterdam, perhaps Europe's most cosmopolitan city, the locals
 openly laugh at the perceived Puritanism of their American cousins.
 
 
 "Americans, they must have hangups, many many, hangups, not like we
 open-minded Dutch," says leather-hooded, whip-wielding Mistress
 Dominique, 67, a performer at Amsterdam's Elderslutz, a government-
 operated live sex show featuring senior citizens. The show was
 created by the Dutch government to provide jobs for unemployed
 elderly.
 
 
 Bart TenBoek, 42, a government-employed heroin addict, agrees. "Bill
 Clinton is a hero. He is a model of Eurostyle for the backward
 Americans. No. Wait a minute. He is a tree. A big glowing, pink
 tree. Flying across the sky making a beautiful, beautiful rainbow," notes
TenBoek, laughing uncontrollably as he collapses into a fetal
 position.
 
 
 In Milan, where 'amore' is way of life, the citizenry is solidly
 behind President Clinton. "Si, Beel Clinton is multi bello," say
 Giancarlo Leone, 32, an unemployed movie extra and father of twelve.
 "He is - how you say - my-a hero." "Ciao, bella! Bellisima,
 Bellisima," he compliments a passing girl, pausing to make smooching
 sounds as he pinches her hindquarters. "Ow!" he adds painfully,
 fleeing on his rusting Vespa to avoid another flowerpot from his
 wife, who is screaming from a nearby balcony.
 
 
 In faraway Barcelona, Juan Ortega has similar sentiments.  "Si, I
 tink de Americans, dey not like Meester Cleenton too good enough,"
 says Ortega, who had a Coke concession at the 1992 Olympics, but has
 since been unemployed. "Dey should love heem, like we love paella or
 Generalissimo Franco."
 
 
 Helga Ericksson, 54, an official with the Swedish Ministry of
 Furniture and Suicide in Stockholm, agrees. "Yah, Americans are
 fascists. They moost embrace Clinton. Like ve Svedes embrace
 depression and death."
 
 
 Germans Dieter Schaden, 28, and Igo Reinholdt, 34, have a message
 for scandal-obsessed Americans. "Ja, get mitten der twentiest century,"
 says the couple, between acts of their bondage and discipline show
 at a dark Berlin discotheque.
 
 
 Jane Kirschner, style editor at the New York Times and a longtime
 Europhile, feels embarrassment over American scandalmania. "All
 across the continent, they are laughing at our backward, prudish,
 Puritan morals. I almost feel too ashamed to go to there anymore,"
 she says, sipping a cup of black espresso. Kirschner thinks the
 continentals are on to something. "We have a lot to learn from them.
 Americans need to become more open-minded and jaded. We need to
 adopt sophisticated European ways, like $8 per gallon gasoline and 145%
 tax brackets." The recent election gives Kirschner some hope, though.
 "Apparently, Americans aren't as hung up on this scandal as the
 media thought.  Thankfully, we are becoming more like the Europeans."