This is a humor posting from the Just 4 Laughs humor list!
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And here's the humor:
Pre-Relationship Agreement
The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of
sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the
party of the second part (herein referred to as "him"):
1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship
(colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to
fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children,
bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange
political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone
else that have not yet terminated. Further, each party agrees to make
known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with
pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these
disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said
relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person
who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the
"matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to
be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser",
see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores, or any
picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho nut
case", see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal
Attraction".)
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past
the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following
terminology in describing their said "dating":
For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are
"going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of
exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may
say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third
parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of
the first date, either member may elect to use the terms
"girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer
to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my
better half", "the little woman", "the old ball and chain", or "my
old man/lady" acceptable.
Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up;
however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this
schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the
grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the
market".
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties
agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends,
weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or
expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights"
or "holds" on the other's time.
Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party
continues to be "missing in action" without explanation, the "wounded
party" agrees to "give up".
5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of
the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work
pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made
at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running
off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and
both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from
their vocabularies.
Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said
relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to
arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers.
Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to
their normal personalities.
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that -- respective gross income
aside -- "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters,
and breakfasts until: "He" considers her suitably impressed, "he" is
broke, or "he" says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!"
Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom,
which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand
at the time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother
to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship
progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a
week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between
their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides
will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates.
He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her
apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and
assisting with household duties. By the same token, she agrees to
respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".
8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member
of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use
of phrases like "Let's move in together", "Why don't we start a
family?" and using archaic terminology like "Let's get married".
9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree
not to use the phrase "I love you". They may love plants, dogs, cats,
cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not
each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in
the other party using the "G" word... "Gone".
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for
immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend,
Ending an argument with the sentence "My ex used to do the same
thing"; Suggesting that no matter how kindly that the other member
should seek "help"; Ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst
thinks you are..."
11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup, each party
reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all
of the following phrases: "You'll never find anybody better"; "Nobody
could ever make you happy"; "I'll find somebody who can really
appreciate me"; "My analyst think you are..." (appropriate
psychosis/neurosis goes here)
12. MISCELLANEOUS: Both parties agree to remain exclusive until such
time as the relationship appear to be "on the rocks".
Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes notice
before terminating said relationship.
At the termination of said affair, both parties agree to be mature
and return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door
keys, and personal undergarments with all due haste through impartial
intermediaries.
Each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours before
engaging in sex with any of the other's friends.
Both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period
of at least seven days (bedroom performace included), and further
consent to use one of the following nebulous terms in the description
of the breakup:
"The timing wasn't right."
"He/she wanted more than I could give."
"He/she was too involved in his/her career."
"He/she decided to go back to his/her lover/hometown/therapist."
13. ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup -- no matter what -- both
parties agree to give the relationship "one more shot".
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