Boston Humor....A Wicked Riot

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM BOSTON WHEN...
     1. You think of Philadelphia as the Midwest.
     2. You think it's your God-given right to cut someone off in
     traffic.
     3. You think there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R's)
     4. You think three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heatwave.
     5. All your pets are named after Celtics or Bruins.
     6. You refer to 6 inches of snow as a "dusting"
     7. Just hearing the words "New York" puts you in an angry mood.
     8. You don't think you have an attitude.
     9. You always 'bang a left' as soon as the light turns green, and
     oncoming traffic always expects it.
     10. Everything in town is "a five minute walk".
     11. When out of town, you think the natives of the area are all
     whacked.
     12. You still can't bear to watch highlights from game 6 of the
     1986 World Series.
     13. You have no idea what the word compromise means.
     14. You believe using your turn signal is a sign of weakness
     15. You don't realize that you walk and talk twice as fast as
     everyone else.
     16. You're anal, neurotic, pessimistic & stubborn.
     17. You think if someone is nice to you, they must want something
     or are from out of town.
     18. Your favorite adjective is "wicked".
     19. You think 63 degree ocean water is warm.
     20. You think the Kennedy's are misunderstood.

     WHEN WE SAY/WE MEAN...
     1. Bizah=odd
     2. Flahwiz=roses, etc.
     3. Hahpahst=30 minutes after the hour
     4. Hahwahya?=how are you?
     5. Khakis=what we staht the cah with
     6. Pissah=superb
     7. Retahded=silly
     8. Shewah=of course
     9. Wikkid=extremely
     10. Yiz=you, plural
     11. Popcahn=popular snack

     HOW WE'LL KNOW YOU WEREN'T BON HEAH:
     1. You wear a Harvard sweatshirt.
     2. You ask directions to "Cheers"
     3. You order a grinder and a soda.
     4. You follow soccer.
     5. You eat at Durgin Park
     6. You pronounce it "Worchester" or Glouchester"
     7. You call it "COPELY" square.

     DEFINITIONS:
     1. Frappes have ice cream; milk shakes don't
     2. If it's fizzy and flavored, it's tonic.  Soda is club soda.  Pop
     is dad. When we mean tonic WATER, we say tonic WATER.
     3. The smallest beer is a pint.
     4. Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish.
     5. If you paid more than $6 a pound, you got scrod.
     6. It's not a water fountain, it's a bubblah.
     7. It's not a trash can, it's a barrel
     8. It's not a shopping cart, it's a carriage.
     9. It's not a purse, it's a pockabook.
     10. Brown bread comes in a can.  You open both ends, push it out,
     heat it and eat it with baked beans.
     11. They're not franks, they're haht dahgs.  Franks are money in
     France.
     12. It's not trash or garbage, it's rubbish.

     THINGS NOT TO DO:
     1. Don't call it Beantown.
     2. Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd.  They'll tow it to Meffa
     (Medford) or Slumaville (Sommerville)
     3. Don't swim in the Charles, no matter what Bill Weld tells you.
     4. Don't sleep in the Common.
     5. Don't wear orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day.

     THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW:
     1. There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses and
     two Hancock buildings (one old, one new).
     2. Route 128 is also I-95.  It is also I-93.
     3. It's the Sox, The Pats (or Patsies if they're losing), the
     Seltz, the Broons.
     4. The underground train is not the subway; it's the "T" and it
     doesn't run all night (fah chrysakes, this ain't Noo Yawk!)

     GETTING AROUND:
     1. Pay no attention to the street names.  There's no school on School
     Street, no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square, no water
     Water Street. Back Bay streets are in alphabetical odda. Arlington,
     Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth.  So are South Boston streets: A, B,
     C, D.
     2. If the streets are named after trees (Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar),
     you're on Beacon Hill.  If they're named after poets you're in
     Wellesley.
     3. All avenues are properly referenced by their nicknames: Comm
     Ave, Mass Ave., Dot Ave.
     4. Dot is Dorchester, Rozzie Roslindale, JP is Jamaica Plain.
     Readville doesn't exist.

     THE NORTH-EAST-SOUTH-WEST THING:
     1. Southie is South Boston.  The South End is the South End.
     Eastie is East Boston.  The North End is east of the West End.
     2. The West End and Scollay Square are no more-a guy named
     Rappaport got rid of them one night.
     3. The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury.  Due north of
     the center we find the South End.  This is not to be confused with
     South Boston, which lies directly east from the South End.  North
     of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the
     North End.  Backbay was filled in years ago.

     BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN BOSTON (subject to change at any time):
     1. When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming
     traffic to pass.
     2. Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself
     under the wheels of your car.
     3. The first parking space you see will be the last parking space
     you see. Grab it.
     4. Double park in the North End of Boston, unless triple parking is
     available
     5. Learn to swerve abruptly.  Boston is the home of slalom driving,
     thanks to the Registry of Motor Vehicles, which puts potholes in
     key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their
     toes.
     6. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork.
     7. Always look both ways when running a red light.
     8. Honk your horn the instant the light changes.
     9. Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding,
     especially during rush hour.  Breakdown lanes may also end without
     warning causing traffic jams as people merge back in.
     10. Never use directional signals when changing lanes.  They only
     warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.
     11. Making eye contact revokes your right of way.
     12. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
     13. Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure
     inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible.  And if a
     pedestrian ahead of you steps in the road, speed up loudly and
     chase him back up on the curb. Peds have no rights.








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