I am going to hell.

Yes, this is offensive to most everyone.   Including me.



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HEAVEN ANNOUNCES REORG
Mark elevated to head position

Heaven (AP) - After several centuries of speculation, Heaven announced
today that Mark would now be acting as God, with former chief Yahweh
transferred internally.  Heaven spokesman Metatron stated that Yahweh, the
chief executive for three millennia, would be "free to focus on areas in
which he has always shown great expertise", now given the new title of
Patron Saint of the Hebrews, the Desert, and Myrrh.

Mark is an industry insider whose work _The Gospel According to Mark_ is
considered "like scripture" by many in the industry, and is often used as
a motivational tool.  He has been working closely with the Host for over
1900 years, and has occupied the position of Patron Saint of Notaries
since joining the organization.  Industry analyst Confucius noted that
"Mark's former life as a human will be of great benefit to Heaven, keeping
the top brass focused on the core audience -- mortals."  Analysts also
hope that the new God can leverage his birth in Jerusalem to heal the
numerous internal rifts that focus on that city.

Yahweh acquired the role of God from El in 950 BCE and turned it from a
small Levantine franchise into an organization serving over two billion.
However, the bottom line suffered after Yahweh opted to branch out from
the Hebrews, the original core mission, into wider distribution and new
franchises.  While the mass-market Christian line was quickly successful,
soon dominating the entire Roman market, industry analysts felt that
millennia of diversification had led to an overall decline in quality.
Most recently, the Islam franchise was seen as troublesome, too often
resorting to tough-sell techniques in order to increase numbers.  Though
Heaven's "Reformation" program had been very successful at reenergizing
the once-lagging "Western Christian" branch, Gabriel's attempts to apply
it to Islam had only led to further friction between the branches -- and
Yahweh had been widely criticized for failing to take action to repair the
damage. In addition, critics both within and outside of the Choir Eternal
were disappointed at Yahweh's failure to mount an aggressive campaign to
combat newer competitors such as Nietzsche and L. Ron Hubbard.

Hoping to smooth any frayed egos among his predecessor's supporters, the
new God announced via Metatron at a press conference that "Yahweh is
blessed and his name shall be sung by the seraphim, upon lyres made of
gold, for 144,000 days," hastily adding, "I am the LORD thy God."

Two Heavenly staffers, who asked only to be identified as "Mike" and
"Raph", said that they are looking forward to Mark getting Heaven back to
its business basics, such as smiting evildoers.  "If I were John Ashcroft
or Rupert Murdoch, I'd seriously consider repenting post haste," said
'Mike'.  "Also, I'd advise everyone to stay out of Utah come April 25."

Mark had been considered a leading candidate for the job, along with the
Archangel Uriel, St. Elizabeth, and St. Paul.  Inside sources confirm that
the latter had campaigned particularly hard for the position.

In the Lake of Eternal Fire, Baal, spokesman for the Pit, said that his
group was "looking forward to working with God, and hopes that He is more
forgiving than His predecessor."  Brahma, as always, had no comment.


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(c) copyright 2002  Jeffrey W. Yaus.