it's an unexpected disruption in the normal course of events

A thousand pardons if everyone has already seen this.

--- forwards removed ---

by Matthew Sturges

Alanis Morissette has taken more than her share of hits for the song
"Ironic." Critics have argued that she doesn't really understand the
meaning of the word, and that the examples of irony she gives are
incorrect. To be perfectly honest, I'm more surprised that there are 
music critics who *do* know what "ironic" means than I am that a 21
year-old pop singer doesn't. 

It's not an easy word to define. Not all language scholars agree on
whether a certain situation is "ironic" or not.  For instance, if 
Alanis and Moose both moved independently to LA from Saskatoon and 
later became lovers, some would argue that this situation by itself
constitutes irony. On the other hand, if Alanis and Moose both moved
because each of them was convinced that Saskatoon was devoid of 
potential mates, and *then* met each other at a bar in LA, *that* would 
be ironic.  But to be fair to Alanis, I took the time to examine the
lyrics of the song, and discover for myself what was truly ironic and 
what wasn't. It is truly ironic how un-ironic the song turns out to be.
Alanis proposes eleven separate instances of what is purported to be
irony.

1. "An old man turned ninety-eight/He won the lottery and died the
next day."

   While an amusing (if morbid) coincidense, there is nothing ironic 
about such a thing. It is certainly an awe-inspiring sequence of events --
celebrating your 98th birthday, winning the lottery, and dying-all in a
two day period.  It's so improbable, in fact, that one wonders why she
mentioned it to begin with, since everything in the song is made up.

2. "It's a black fly in your Chardonnay."

   The irony here is that there is nothing remotely ironic about this
line.  In perhaps her greatest act of genius, Alanis has shown us the true
meaning of irony by giving an example of it that isn't ironic at all!
Get it? It's a deliberate contrast between apparent and intended meaning:
the textbook definition of irony!  Now THAT S ironic, don t you think?
Why yes, she really *does* think.

3. "It's a death row pardon two minutes too late."

    Not technically irony, although this display of poor timing on the
hypothetical governor's part could be component of alarger ironic
situation. I guess.

4. "It's like rain on your wedding day."

   Nope.

5. "It's a free ride when you've already paid."

   Sorry, no.  Alanis seems to think that "irony" means "bad timing".

6. "It's the good advice that you just didn't take."

   This is very close! Ignoring good advice IS ironic, but only if someone
suffers as a direct result of that dismissal.  Alanis gets half a point
for the setup, but because she only sketchily implies that something bad
happens to the person who did not take the advice, we cannot grant her
full credit. 

7. "Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly/ He packed his suitcase and
kissed his kids good-bye/ He waited his whole damn life to take that
flight/And as the plane crashed down he thought,  Well, isn't this nice?"

    This quatrain is Ms. Morisette's crowning glory, because it contains
not one, but two legitimate instances of actual, honest to goodness irony.
    A) It is, indeed, ironic that someone who is afraid of flying would
die in a plane crash during his first flight; it's an unexpected
disruption in the normal course of events that gives us insight into human
folly.  And B) Mr. Safe is being, yes, ironic when he says, "Well, isn't
this nice?" since we must presume that he is being sarcastic.

8. "It's a traffic jam when you're already late."

   See No. 5.  When Alanis finds a concept she likes, she runs with it.

9. "A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break."

   Oh, come on.  You were doing so well with the plane guy.

10. "It's like ten thousands spoons when all you need is a knife."

    If the speaker is rifling through a silverware drawer which is known
to contain knives, then this is ironic.  If she's in a spoon factory, it
isn't.

11. "It's meeting the man of your dreams/ And then meeting his
beautiful wife."

    The point here, one assumes, is one of those "all the good ones are
taken" complaints.  But a moment's consideration will show that this is
in no way ironic, since we would expect all the good ones to be taken.
What would be ironic would be to meet some ugly, stupid, fat kid that
Alanis spurned while a cast member of Nickelodeon's You Can't Do That on
Television, and then meet *his* beautiful wife.

FINAL TALLY

Attempts at describing irony:				11
Successful attempts:					 3.5
Confusion of irony with "poor sense of timing":		 6
Completely misusing the term:				 2

Now that you have the stats, you can wow your friends with your
overwhelming command of both pop culture AND the English language. The
verdict is in:  Alanis Morissette doesn't know what the hell she's 
talking about. 

I suppose, however, that we should not be so quick to judge. Winona
Ryder's character in Reality Bites couldn't define "ironic" and had to
have Ethan Hawke explain it to her. And it took me longer than I'm
comfortably prepared to admit to determine which of Ms. Morisettes
vignettes were legit. So, Schoolhouse Rock it aint, but I'd like to see
you do better with a song about assonance or hyperbole