Fwd: Jewish humor

Hee...my dad sent this to me. It's good for a few laughs. :-)

>-Rules of Judaism-
>
>.  A good Kugle sinks in mercury.
>.  If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
>.  It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job.
>.  If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
>.  After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's..  
>.  No one looks good in a yarmulke.
>.  Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
>.  WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
>.  Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
>.  There's nothing like a good belch.
>.  Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of
magnesia.
>.  Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
>.  The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
>.  And what's so wrong with dry turkey?
>.  Always whisper the names of diseases.
>.  One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
>.  If you don't eat, it will kill me.
>.  Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
>.  Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
>.  Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
>.  Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
>.  Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
>.  Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
>.  The important Jewish holidays are the ones on whichalternate-side-of-
>.        the-street parking is suspended.
>.  A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
>.  Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
>.  Before you read the menu, read the prices.
>.  There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and
>.        tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age
45.
>.  According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten
>.        only in Chinese restaurants.
>.  If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for 
>.        everyone else to hear.
>.  No meal is complete without leftovers.
>.  If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can
afford it, make 
>.        sure you tell everybody what you paid.
>.  The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking 
>.        spot at the mall. 
>.  Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating
>.        dinner at 4 in the afternoon!


--Laurie

--
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?