You May Be A Technopagan If...

Thought you might enjoy this.


>Date: Wed, 21 Jan 1998 18:35:06 -0400 (EDT)
>From: "oh, those Russians" <CRZNLRE@nzurefg.rqh>
>Subject: You May Be A Technopagan If...
>To: wbl@farnxre.arg
>MIME-version: 1.0
>
>
                    A FIELD GUIDE TO NEOPAGANDOM

     Is this the first time you've seen this many pagans together? Well,
you're in for a deflowering, young earth-worshiper, and you've come to the
right place.  However, you should realize that there are many, many types of
pagans.  We old farts just had to keep making the rounds until we either
found a group that wouldn't kick us out or founded our own clique.  But now,
progress has brought us many different flavors to choose from.

 1.  BRIGHT EYED NOVICE.

     You just read this cool book about a religion where there's
 _goddesses_ and gods, and they meet outside, in nature, instead of in some
scary old building, and you want to know where to sign up.

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment
about which is widdershins and which is deosil.  Has a shiny new athame
(rhymes with "A-frame").

 2.  I REMEMBER WOODSTOCK.

     Did I ever tell you about the time I dropped with Kerry Wendell
Thornley?  Or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson.  I was pretty loaded.
 Anyway, it was somebody with three names.  Or was it three people who had
one name?

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows
dish about people you've read about.

 3.  TREEHUGGING NATURE SPIRIT.

     Prize possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes.
 Simultaneously believes in universal love for humanity AND returning the
planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state.  Apt to remove clothes and fondle
the shrubbery at a moment's notice.  Can discuss compost in detail.

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no
 eco-exploitative garments, no animal tested cosmetics, no cigarette smoke,
no drugs, no TV, no car, no corporations, yet very tolerant.

 4.  ANAL-RETENTIVE CEREMONIAL.

     Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places.  Is
 trying to learn how to speak Greek, Latin, and Hebrew, all at once. Does
"workings" instead of "rituals."  Has a web site that all in Enochian.

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Won't go anywhere without a book.  Dresses according
to planetary coordinates, or according to what Mom finds on sale at Wal-Mart.

 5.  WOMYNCENTRIC GYNOCRAT.

     A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three
 months purifying it.  She'll have no wands in her chalice, thank
 you.  No boys allowed in her full moon club.

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tiny axes, just the right size for amputating a penis,
are a favored symbol and often hang conveniently from her body parts.  When a
man approaches she rolls her eyes and stops talking.

 6.  IS THIS WHERE THE BIG, SMART WOMEN HANG OUT?

     Oh, they're so nice.  All that warm, round, sex positive flesh
 . . . and you can actually carry on a conversation with them
 between orgasms . . . pant, drool.

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Cute.  Horny.  Will recite love poetry to you under
the full moon.  Likes to do it outdoors.  Often destitute. All too few of
them.

 7.  HEY BOSS, I'D LIKE TO TAKE FEBRUARY SECOND AS A PERSONAL DAY.

     Has an entire chapter in their Book of Shadows concerned with spells for
purifying the work place.  Doesn't mind working on Christmas, especially if
there's overtime involved.  Quit being overtly pagan at work since getting
canned by that closet born again, yet still refuses to say "Merry Christmas."

 8.  HI DIDDLY DEE, IT'S A PAGAN CELEBRITY.

     At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a
 special key for elevator access.  Lurks around hallway corners
 eavesdropping in order to see if name is being mentioned.
 Arrives in helicopter especially for ritual.  Never seen
 unaccompanied by beefy Amazonian bodyguards.

 DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Always has plenty of books to autograph and will
personally sell them to you at a slight discount from cover price.  When you
ask them how it's going, they hand you a press release.  Seems vaguely afraid
of anyone they don't already know.

 9.  CHILDE OV KAOS.

     Can name seventeen different industrial bands without pausing to think.
 Knows what a Prince Albert is.  Sleeps in black leather jammies.  Painted on
their jacket, engraved in their flesh or boldly displayed as jewelry is an
emblem which resembles a combination of a corporate logo and an arcane sigil.
 If you don't know what it is, they'll think you're a dweeb.

 DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Easy to picture as a bike messenger or alternative
musician, difficult to visualize as a schoolteacher or research assistant,
impossible to imagine as a TV anchor or bank president.  Personally feels
that if no panicky headlines appear the day after you do a ritual, you
screwed up.

10.  SCARY DEVIL WORSHIPER.

     Won't go skyclad.  Rarely smiles, except for in a smug, knowing way
which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy of conquer. Secretly
enjoys Rush Limbaugh and The Bell Curve.  Fascinated with Nazis.  Probably
wouldn't hurt a fly; yet want you to think they are capable of vast
destruction.

 DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Lots of black and red.  Men like goatees, women
favor eye liner.  If you see several of them getting tanked in the hotel bar,
it would be wise to stay far away.

11.  CROWLEY-IN-A-PAST-LIFE.

     Every magickal gathering has at least one
 Crowley-in-a-past-life, along with several variants along the lines of
Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan Le Fay.  Many of them were abducted by aliens
recently, or have had disturbing dreams rich with symbolism which they will
tell you, in great detail.

 DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Look for the intense gleam in eyes, the backpack
rattling with various psychiatric medicines, the garments that were clearly
designed and tailored in outer space.

12.  RAVIN' PAGAN.

     Young and psychedelic.  Refuses to do boring Eurocentric
 rituals and prefers deities from sunny climes with many interesting local
plants.  Can say "Ayahuasca" ten times, fast.  Never goes anywhere without a
ritual drum.

 DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Colors that hurt your eyes unless you've taken
ecstasy.  Bloodshot eyes, peaceful smile, can deliver long quotes from
Terrance McKenna.

13.  FAIRIE QUEEN.

     Is he a he?  Is she a she?  Are they a couple, or are those two a
couple, or are all four of them a quadruple?  If the answers to these
questions could upset or disturb you, best stay away.  If, however, the
answers to these questions seem overly nosy and judgmental, you might have a
real good time.

 DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: When you look at this person, does every sex act
you've ever experienced in your life seem hopelessly vanilla?  If so, the
congratulations -- you have found a faerie.

14.  HIGH EPISCOPAGAN.

     Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a lighting
 director, an orchestra and last three hours?  It's a High
 Episcopagan!  It can memorize pages and pages of Olde Englishe, it has more
ritual outfits than most people have socks, it considers its main pagan
influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland, and Busby Berkeley.

 DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes (or five megs
of hard drive space).  Knows every note of "Carmina Burana."  Better not ask
about that 18th century seed pearl trim on.

15.  FUNDAMENTAPAGAN.

     If it's in a book, it must be true.  If it's in an old book, it
 must be _really_ true.  If it's in an old book that was supposedly handed
down from oral transmission from people who couldn't read, then it must
_really_ be _way_ true.  Has hissy fits if anyone shows up at a circle
wearing a watch, glasses, or other mechanical assistance.  Believes that
anyone who has never sustained themselves from their own land, using only
primitive agricultural methods, dare not call themselves a pagan.

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Gnashes teeth when the old "Crowley ghosted Gardner's
Books" argument comes up.  Goes around correcting everyone's gaelic/old
norse/latin/babylonian.

16.  DANCES WITH BUNNYRABBITS.

     Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and
 feelings.  Charter member of PETA.  Thinks meat eaters should be publicly
executed.  Has many, many pets.  Has a spirit animal.

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Not counting the pagan his/herself, how many animals
can you find in this picture?  if the count surpasses five (including
critters found on tattoos, jewelry, garments and undies), you have found a
Worshiper of Beasties.

17.  PRIESTS AND PRIESTESSES OF POLITIKAL KORRECTNESS.

     Analyzes everything they hear for
sexist-racist-homophobic-imperialist-Eurocentric content without paying
attention to what is actually being said.  Believes in personal liberty --
everyone has the right to be overbearing, dogmatic and holier-than-thou; not
just the religious right. Incredibly boring and annoyingly righteous at the
same time.

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Beady, hyper alert little eyes are constantly in
motion, waiting for someone to say or do something bad. Constantly has loud
and attention-attracting fits when confronted with everyday things such as
advertising and corporate franchises. Rudimentary sense of humor rarely
activated.

18.  OUR LADY OF INTENSE SUFFERING.

     Is constantly persecuted.  You are probably persecuting her
 right now, you just don't realize it.  Became a pagan because she decided it
was the most persecuted religion of all.  Can't enjoy anything because it
would be selfish to have fun when so many are suffering.

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tales of woe.  Even less of a sense of humor than #17.
 Bristles whenever you use the word "masochism" or "whining."

19.  I AM NOT SPOCK (at the moment).

     Knows at least three filks about Cthulu and at least forty Star Trek
jokes.  Has found a clever way to create simple furniture from stacks of
science fiction paperbacks.  Can name ninety different kinds of space ship.

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Two-fisted drinking style.  Many cryptic buttons,
badges, patches and other insignia.  Too smart for their own good.

20.  HET-CASE.

     Insist that they aren't homophobic; they just think that
 paganism is about a god and a goddess and they do it, and what
 could be more simple than that, and it just doesn't work right if you try it
any other way.

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Signifiers of het-dom such as long, manicured nails
and wreaths of flowers (on females _only_; the males have big, bushy beards
instead).  Are secretly afraid gays and/or lesbians are dying to jump their
tender hetero bones.

21.  NORSE CODE.

     Heroic and vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with festival
organizers due to their fondness for running around carrying a battle-axe in
one hand and a full mead horn in the other.  They do throw the best parties,
but if you're a wimp, you are expressly not invited.

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Look out for the large and foreboding persons wearing
runes, with many pounds of amber dangling from their necks.

22.  PENTACLES, INC.

     This is where all the people who are into paganism come, right? So how
come they aren't buying my hand-forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces -- they
come in silver or gold, and each one has a genuine cubic zirconium belly
button.  Would you like a reading? Will that be Visa or Master Card?

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Business cards feature little embossed pentagrams.
 Rarely leaves the dealer's room and can't believe there are so many jewelry
sellers present.

23.  MONSTER TRUCK PAGAN.

     Can grow their own food, build their own house, sew their own clothes,
homeschool their children and brew their own organic hooch.  Are looking
forward to the bleak, post-apocalyptic world postulated by the
environmentalists as they can't wait to run amok through the country,
worshipping ancient gods, blowing up strip malls and rutting on the divider
line of every interstate.

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Resourceful, clever and very well versed in the U. S.
Constitution.  Eats meat with visible twitches of pleasure.  is aware that
primitive religions have nothing to do with crystals, Atlantis or unicorns.
Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat.  Constantly
glances around the room anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies.
 Non-distinctive hair, no conspicuous tattoos.

... You may be a monster-truck pagan if your anointing oil is 30 weight.
... You may be a monster truck pagan if cakes & wine means tailgate party.
... You may be a monster truck pagan if Autumn is the Burning Time.
************************************
End of Forwarded Message


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