FW: Fabulair (fwd)

Please, *tell* me you've seen this. 

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FABULAIR...
 
Blueprint for the first gay airline
 
Back in June, 1993 we ran our first (and only) humor piece. What
started as an on-going office joke - what would a really gay friendly
airline be like - became Fabulair, the first gay airline. We got a
lot of mail about it.  Some of our subscribers loved it and others
were really mad that we wasted space on something so stupid. If you
align yourself with the latter category (or if you were part of it
originally), we apologize in advance.  We still think it's really
funny (and no, we're not stoned), and we've updated it to commemorate
our 5th anniversary. Join us on this short flight of fancy as we
re-design the first airline for gay men, lesbians, and anyone else
lucky enough to get a seat.

 
Welcome Aboard

The Fabulair experience begins when you call our reservations number,
900-FLY-FABU. We know you can make reservations on other airlines for
free.  But our 900 number is only 28c/minute (50% of all proceeds go
to the Human Rights Campaign), and our reservationists are very good
on the phone.  Your tickets will arrive in a sleek Deisel leather
ticket folio. Your seat assignment (only aisle or window, no middle)
is pre-reserved and your inflight menu is included because we know
how long it takes some of you to make up your minds, especially with
a menu as fabulous as ours. When you arrive at the airport, you'll
recognize our terminal immediately.  Richard Sabala did the lights.
Susan Morabito did the music. Thierry Mugler did the departure
lounge. Outside, we have a specially commissioned sculpture of Amelia
Earhart and Ellen DeGeneres as "traveling companions." Our sky caps,
muscles bulging under their Raymond Dragon uniforms, will check your
luggage. We allow five pieces, not two, and no extra charge for golf
clubs, ladies.
  
You Know You've Arrived
 
Stroll through our luxurious terminal to your gate. We only use
walk-through metal detectors on request; a physical body search is
preferred by most of our passengers. (Body cavity searches are,
unfortunately, limited to international flights.) Follow the red
velvet roping up to the plane door. The gate agent will take your
ticket and give you your wristband boarding pass. Keep it on - it's
color-coded to indicate whether you're aggressively single, possibly
available, or married.  On board we have no flight attendants. Just
stewardesses. Even the guys.  They're young, tall, thin, gorgeous,
dressed by Chanel and trained by RuPaul - they're gonna work! Butch
has no place in our aisles. If butch is what you're after, lust after
our baggage handlers. Hired from Colt and Falcon Studios, they just
can't seem to keep their shirts on. Our cockpit crew? All gay men and
lesbians discharged from the military.
  
If There's Anything We Can Do...
 
Fabulair is bringing style back to air travel. Settle into your seat.
What do you notice? It's comfortable. And it matches your outfit.
Overhead, you'll find reading lights plus tanning lights. The black
leather seats smell as good as they feel. You can't wait to fasten
your seatbelt low and tight against your waist. Aaah. You're ready
for takeoff. You'll never see "Honey, I Blew Up the Kids" on
Fabulair.

We only show movies starring Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, Madonna or
Jody Foster.  Or movies about women in love. With each other. Care
for a magazine?  Vanity Fair... Out.... Curve... Genre?... Sorry, we
gave out our last copy of HX, but our chief purser would be happy to
show you around New York personally.  The Airphone at every seat has
speed dial for Bill Clinton, Barney Frank, Elizabeth Birch, Tzabaco,
International Male, and J. Crew, for the non-stop activist and
shopaholic. Perhaps you'd like to listen to our specially selected
audio entertainment. Channel 1: kd lang. Channel 2: Pet Shop Boys.
Channel 3: The Indigo Girls. Channel 4: Junior's "Dancing on Air"
party mix (a Fabulair exclusive). Channel 5: Melissa Etheridge.
Channel 6: Nothing but show tunes. 

Before you know it, your flight will be over. But don't be sad.
You've earned lots of frequent flyer miles, good towards your next
trip on Fabulair. We regret that they are blacked out for the Black
Party, White Party, Gay Pride, Hotlanta and Halloween, but use them
over any of the other holidays. Bonus miles? Sure. Stay at a gay B&B.
Get a Rainbow Card. Use Community Spirit Long Distance. Take an
Olivia Cruise. Subscribe to Out & About. Triple Miles? Just date one
of our employees.
 
Too Fabulous

Our in-flight service is not coach, business or first. It's so
fabulous, we named it Fabulous Class. It may seem like first class on
other airlines, but we never use those words, because nothing we do
is second class.  We recognize however, that many of our passengers
are too special and important, even for Fabulous Class. For those who
require the utmost in privacy and luxury we have an exclusive cabin
that we call Too Fabulous Class. Too Fabulous passengers don't need
tickets. We know who you are.  Our already generous luggage limit is
waived for you. At boarding time, come right to the front of the red
roping. Even though we have short lines, we kept the roping because
we know you like it. On board, you'll notice the little touches that
make a difference. A full harness replaces the standard seatbelt. A
stewardess for every passenger. Marble bathrooms big enough for two.
Live entertainment and a personal video screen with personal video
choices. We couldn't improve our service, so we just added more.
Massage.  Manicure. Hair styling. Waxing and electrolysis (LA flights
only).  And group psychotherapy in our upstairs lounge.

We think you'll agree, It's a fabulous world on Fabulair, the world's
first all-gay airline.

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