Dear Cthulhu (fwd)

Hey, Shoggroth --
(from my friend Peggy)


---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Wed, 21 Jan 1998 17:18:37 -0800
From: Peggy O' Connell <crttl@vagrezrgevpf.pbz>
Subject: Dear Cthulhu

A friend of mine from the Cthulhu Masters Tourney wrote this.  Several
of the questions are submissions from other CMT participants.  Laugh
while you can, puny humans.  All comic praise (or blame) to Scott
Haartman.
--------------------------------
Dear Cthulhu,

No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to please my boss. I put twice as 
much effort into my reports as my coworkers do, but she still seems to 
expect more! I don't want to quit but am tired of being singled out. Any 
ideas?

Sincerely,

Ruth in Rhode Island


Dear Ruth,

PETTY HUMAN -- YOU WILL FEEL MY WRATH WHEN I AWAKE. I AM GREAT
CTHULHU!!!  I WILL RIP YOU APART AND BATHE IN YOUR BLOOD!!! BRING YOUR
CHILDREN AND I WILL FEAST ON THEIR SOULS!!! CONFRONT YOUR BOSS AND
RESPECTFULLY ASK IF YOU ARE FALLING SHORT OF HER  EXPECTATIONS. DIE,
PETTY HUMAN, DIE!

Sincerely,

Cthulhu

--------------------------------

Dear Cthulhu,

Every year my sister and I throw a joint party for my son and her 
daughter who have birthdays close together. I've been winding up paying 
for everything while my sister seems to "forget" to chip in year after 
year. I don't feel it's my responsibility to foot the bill. What should
I do?

Best wishes,

Cathy in Orlando


Cathy,

YOU CANNOT MEASURE MY AGE IN YOUR YEARS.  I AM ETERNAL!!  I AM GREAT 
CTHULHU!!! I WILL WALK THE EARTH AMONG YOUR CARCASSES!!! ASK YOUR SISTER 
TO BUY THE REFRESHMENTS WHILE YOU GET THE DECORATIONS. I WILL TROD ON
THE ASHES OF YOUR WORLD!!!!!

Cthulhu

-----------------------


Dear Cthulhu,

All of my girlfriend's high school friends are getting married, so she's 
beginning to put the pressure on me to buy her a ring.  I'm only 24, and 
even though I love her, I don't know if I'm ready to make that 
commitment.  How do I tell her how I feel without offending her?

Carl
San Jose


Dear Carl,

KNOW IT IS I WHOM YOU FEAR!  I AM GREAT CTHULHU!!!  I AM THE SLEEPING 
DEAD!!!!  I WILL DESTROY THE ILLUSION OF YOUR WORLD WHEN THE STARS ARE 
RIGHT AND SHOW YOU PAIN SUCH AS YOUR MIND CANNOT FATHOM!!!  YOU MUST 
DECIDE IF YOU'RE MORE AFRAID OF LOOSING YOUR GIRLFRIEND THAN MAKING THE 
COMMITMENT -- SHE WON'T STICK AROUND FOREVER. ABANDON ALL HOPE OF 
SALVATION FROM MY WRATH!!!!


Sincerely,

Cthulhu

--------------------------------

Dear Cthulhu:

I'm a fifth year graduate student and I'm getting ready to write my
dissertation thesis.  My data is not coming out as well as it should and
I'm starting to get scared.  Do you have any ideas on how to make
tentative data sound a lot more convincing without actually doing more
work?
Allison 
Chicago

Dear Allison:

I AM THE DARKNESS IN YOUR HEART!  I AM GREAT CTHULHU!!!  ALL WILL FALL 
BEFORE ME WHEN R'LYEH IS REBORN IN A SYMPHONY OF HORROR!!!  RETHINK YOUR 
ORIGINAL PROPOSAL AND DETERMINE IF IT CAN BE REWORDED TO FIT YOUR 
FINDINGS, OR ELSE YOU'LL NEED TO GO TO ANOTHER DATA SOURCE.  BASK IN MY 
TERRIBLE MIGHT AND KNOW YOUR OWN MADNESS!!!!


Cthulhu

--------------------------------

Dear Cthulhu,

I'm an ex-graduate student nearing 40 stuck in a dead-end job with no
hope in my life. Would it be better to persevere in the face of the
odds, settling for whatever mediocre fate life has in store for me, or
should I go insane and vote Republican this year?

Anthony 

Dear Anthony,

HOPELESSNESS IS MY HARBRINGER!  I AM GREAT CTHULHU!!!  I WILL CAST DOWN 
THE ILLUSION OF YOUR PITIFUL EXISTENCE AND SHOW YOU DOMINATION AND 
SORROW!!!  WORSHIP ME OR PERISH!!!  THE ECONOMY IS VERY STRONG UNDER THE 
CURRENT DEMOCRATIC OFFICE -- I'D HUNKER DOWN AND FOCUS ON WHAT MAKES YOU 
HAPPY.  MY COMING WILL BE ANNOUNCED BY THE FALL OF YOUR WORLD!!!  DANCE 
TO THE SOUND OF MADNESS!!!  HEAR THE PIPES!!!!

Best,

Cthulhu

--------------------------------

Dear Cthulhu

I'm over weight, depressed all the time, and I never get laid unless I
hang out at the local glory hole. Can you help me? 

Bummed out in Texas

Dear "Bummed",

I FEAST ON THE FEAR OF WORTHLESS HUMANS!!  I AM GREAT CTHULHU!!!!  WHEN 
THE TOWERS OF R'LYEH ARE ONCE AGAIN SEEN BY MANKIND YOU SHALL KNOW WHO
IS THE MASTER AND WHO IS THE SLAVE!!!!  IF THE LOCAL GLORY HOLE WORKS,
GO WITH WHAT YOU KNOW.  YOUR FEEBLE MINDS WILL MELT INTO OBLIVION UPON
MY COMING!   FEAR ME!!!!  FEAR CTHULHU!!!!!!


Best wishes,

Cthulhu