Wednesday Humor (fwd)

From another list I'm on.  There even seems to be attributes!

Bill

---------- Forwarded message ----------

         Six Windows on the House That Gates Built
         Abort, Retrench, Flail?

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/WPcap/1998-06/14/018r-061498-idx.html

Copyright 1998 The Washington Post Company
By Tom McNichol

Sunday, June 14, 1998; Page C02

SAN FRANCISCO Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (C), the
latest version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft.
Before using your new software, please take the time to read these
instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of
the limited warranty. 

Windows 98 (C) represents a significant technological improvement over
Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (C). You'll notice
immediately that "98" is a larger number than "95," a better than 3
percent increase. But that's not all. Windows 98 (C) contains many
features not found in Windows 95 (C), or in any competing computer
operating system, if there were any. Among the improvements: faster
storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock"
and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and
pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged
weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important, Windows 98
(C) offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products.
We're betting that you'll never use another company's software again. 

Windows 98 (C) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft
Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you
may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (C) offers
you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether
it's the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software
producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or
become part of the Microsoft family. 

Configuring Windows 98 (C) to use a browser other than Microsoft Explorer
is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon,
and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?"
Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different
ways; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will
enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being
loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time
bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes." If at any time after
installation you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data
loss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your
keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be
re-installed--permanently. 

Windows 98 (C) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000" 
computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year
as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000
for 1900.  Windows 98 (C) solves the problem by storing the year as a
four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of
the operating system until the year 10000. However, the extra memory
required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor
changes in the software's internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and
Sunday will be stored as single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of
June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa." 

Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It
only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software
problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the
information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank
records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be shared with
any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare
partner. 

We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (C) as trouble-free as
possible! 

We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all with your
software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded
instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is
closed for the entire month of Bill.) 

If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working
perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to
the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the
editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American
consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate,
not by government bureaucrats.

Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (C). 

Satirist Tom McNichol is waiting for his computer to boot up.