FW: Why can't the English teach their children how to speak? (fwd)

> [Originally appeared in comp.sys.palmtops.pilot, posted with Mr. Hagen's
> permission - ed.
>
> >From: Arthur Hagen (neg@oebbzfgvpx.pbz)
> >Newsgroups: comp.sys.palmtops.pilot,alt.comp.sys.palmtops.pilot
> >Subject: Re: Why can't the English teach their children how to speak?
(LONG and OT)
>
>
> [WARNING - this is *very* off-topic]
>
> "Sony Gurm?" <zr@urer.pbz> wrote in message
> arjf:ZCT.1548s2886q3651n5989684@arjf.rcvk.arg...
>
> > Erm, you have it entirely wrong. Americans can't, as a rule, speak or
> > write their own language well enough to correct anyone on it, much less
> > those who invented the language in the first place.
> >
> > The fact that "ain't" is now in the dictionary disturbs me no end. And
> > the very fact that you spell "burglarise" with a 'z' (there are NO
> > proper "ise" words which you spell with "ize" attests to your own
> > acceptance of the complete mangling of the English language.
>
> Surprize, surprize...
> According to my American dictionary, I find several -ise verbs that the
> Americans spell with an s instead of a z.
> Circumcise, compromise, exercise, exorcise and improvise.
> I find it disturbing that they insist on "anglicize" though...
>
> In the interest of promoting friendship between the two countries, I
decided
> to develop a few programs to help translating between the two:
>
> --- cut here --- to_us --- cut here ---
> #!/bin/perl -pi.uk -e 's/ise((|s|d)\W)/ize$1/g; s/our((|s|ed)\W)/or$1/g'
> --- cut here --- to_us --- cut here ---
>
> --- cut here --- to_uk --- cut here ---
> #!/bin/perl -pi.us -e 's/ize((|s|d)\W)/ize$1/g; s/or((|s|ed)\W)/our$1/g'
> --- cut here --- to_uk --- cut here ---
>
> Usage:
> to_uk <list of files to convert>
> to_us <list of files to convert>
>
> to_uk Version 1.00
> to_us Version 1.00
> Copyright (C) 2001 Arthur Hagen - all rights reservedized.
>
> The next version will deal with translations like:
>
> UK               US
> biscuit          cookie
> scone            biscuit
> lump of dough    scone
> fag              cigarette
> homo             fag
> gay              happy
> socialist        communist
> whig             socialist
> tory             democrat
> right-wing tory  republican
> green            tree-hugging
> bloke            buddy
> sod              fuck
> oops             fuck
> oh               fuck
> jolly            fucking
> very             fucking
> really           fucking
> quite            fucking
> guy              motherfucker
> bloody           motherfucking
> darn             motherfucking
> ,                , you know,
> .                , know what I mean?
> !                , man!
> nude             pornographic
> nudity           porn
> flat             apartment
> lift             elevator
> chemists         drug store
> loo              rest room
> complain         sue
> chips            fries
> maize            corn
> corn             grain
> coffee           espresso
> tepid water      coffee
> cold water       beer
> tipsy            drunk
> drunk            plastered
> pissed           dead drunk
> annoyed          pissed
> irate            postal
> nice             cool
> cool             cold
> cold             freezing
> snow             snow storm
> drizzle          rain storm
> rain             flood warning
> light breeze     wind storm
> windy            hurricane
> foreign weather  sunshine
> brolly           umbrella
> telly            TV
> umpire           referee
> bowler           pitcher
> football         soccer
>
> I believe there could be a market for a conversion program like this.
> Hmm - perhaps I should make a TealInfo translator?
>
> Regards,
> --
> *Art