Very funny.

Warning: Snorting hazard; Do not have liquids anywhere near your mouth 
when reading.

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Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sidesgently
compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking allianceslike
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, likea guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one ofthose
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speakingat high
schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without oneof
those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dogmakes just
before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegratedbecause
of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at
aformerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way abowling
ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bagfilled
with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had aneerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city andJeopardy
comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots whenyou fry
them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers racedacross the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one havingleft
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at4:19
p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fencesthat
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds whohad
also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she wasthe East
River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel traponly
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlikePhil, this
plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from noteating
for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,but a
real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mineor
something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slenderleg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids aroundwith
power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,as if
she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to putin any
pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally stapleit to
the wall.
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